“When are you going to find time to slice today?” Amy asked me as we passed in the hall.
It was early on the second day of the Quoddy Writing Retreat led by Ralph Fletcher and Georgia Heard. I’d found out during the March challenge that Ana and her friend, Amy, would be here and had looked forward to meeting both of them. They both seem delightful …which is why typing my response to her question makes me cringe even more than when I said it.
“I was thinking about that, ” I replied, “but then I didn’t know if I could slice and be honest because you and Ana might read it!”
Immediately, I regretted saying this. Ugh. Somehow my filter has definitely frayed as I’ve gotten older. How in the world could anyone reasonably respond to that!? (Sorry, Amy!)
Amy looked a bit taken aback, and I quickly retreated, saying my goodbyes and continuing on my way, mentally kicking myself the whole way. We didn’t cross paths again that morning.
But let me back up a bit.
Many months ago, when I signed up for this retreat (the first writing retreat I’ve ever participated in), I knew I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I knew that I’d likely be uncomfortable. First of all, I’m an introvert and am especially uncomfortable in large social groups. Secondly, I’d be sharing my writing with strangers. Thirdly, I’d be sharing my work with…Ralph Fletcher and Georgia Heard! Fourth…
Well, I could go on, but suffice it to say that months ago, it felt like an important challenge for me. Unfortunately, as I’ve learned more and more about growth mindset, I’ve realized that my own is lamentably weak. I wish I viewed new experiences as opportunities to stretch myself. Actually, I do view them that way, at least intellectually. Emotionally, it’s a whole different situation. My intellect had been in charge when I signed up, but after the first day at the retreat, my emotions had made a surprisingly strong and unwelcome surge. Imposter sydrome also made an ugly appearance. I felt slightly under siege.
By the end of the first full day, I’d written morning notes in my notebook, breakfasted with the group, listened to Ralph and Georgia, written for another 1 + hours, participated in a response group and shared my work, met with Ralph Fletcher (who, after reading my work, disappointingly did not turn to me exclaiming about my genius and offering to set me up with his agent), lunched with everyone (and they’re all interesting and friendly people, but all the personalities and remembering the names and matching them to faces and trying to remember whom I’d talked to about what…Ack!) and headed out for a hike (beautiful!) with a group (lovely and low key…but still… people!), then a reception at Ralph’s house (wow! gorgeous! More people and conversation…), and then a lobster dinner for the group…
Perhaps having read that grammatically challenged and surely convoluted prior sentence/paragraph helped you relate: I was utterly exhausted and more uncomfortable than I ever might have imagined. I felt a visceral urge to… RETREAT! (The irony is not lost on me.)
“There are just SO many people!” I said when I called my husband that night. “I’m not sure I realized how intensely introverted I’ve become. I think it’s getting worse, rather than better with age.”
Still, a good night’s sleep began to put things into a better perspective. I realized that my response was way out of proportion, and probably rooted more in anxiety than in reality. In the light of a new day, I took stock. A part of me has really enjoyed meeting with and talking with all these people. Ralph and Georgia are great, and I have a warm, supportive response group. To be honest, it was also helpful to know that most of the group was heading to Campobello Island to see the Roosevelt’s cottage and have “Tea with Eleanor”. Having passed on the outing (since I’d done both before), I knew I would have some afternoon down time. By mid-morning, I felt more composed and had managed to get a better perspective on my oversized reaction.
Somehow, unfortunately, I hadn’t quite attained this sense of equilibrium before seeing Amy (sorry again, Amy!), and those words just spilled out, sour left-overs from yesterday’s turmoil.
After our workshop time ended today, everyone grabbed lunch and headed off on their adventure. And I opted to spend a LONG time here:
Ahhhhhhlone!
Instant recalibration.
So, now it’s a little after 5 pm, and rather than holing up in my room, I’m typing in the common room of the lodge. I’m actually hoping to catch up with some people as they return from the island outing.
Believe it or not, right now, dinner with a few companions sounds quite nice.
Nix the comfort zone 
I can SOOO relate to this Slice! I need quiet time in the morning before peopling, and in the afternoon/ evening after peopling all day in the library. I’m glad you found some space in that hectic schedule to fill your own needs. Introverts unite…separately…in our own houses, lol.
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It’s been an interesting experience for me. I am 100% grateful that I chose not to share a room—but at the same time, part of me is envying the “roomy” ties that people who share rooms are clearly developing. Part of the problem is finding balance between my need for solitude and my FOMO. lol
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I love how open you are in this slice, and I can totally relate to the impostor syndrome showing up. I appreciate your honesty and I’m so glad we get to connect more this week!
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Thanks, Ana! I definitely debated about whether to share or not. I’m so glad you finally made it here!
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Funnily enough, a lot of what you write here is similar to the anxiety I have experienced. I’m sure you noticed me waiting for Ana — my person! — to arrive, so I could be less social with new people than I was forced to be my first day, as I was without a car.
Or, the imposter syndrome that struck during this morning’s session, when I found myself with nothing to write, and felt the lack of inspiration while others around me typed away…
All to say — we’re in similar boats, and your avid slicing had me intimidated in a way too!
Would love to have dinner / hike / chat writing with you while we’re here this week.
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Amy, I definitely did not notice you “waiting”, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the openness of this response. Thank you. Also, I’d love to make a meal, chat, or hike happen! Let’s talk today!
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I feel for you, Molly. I always am reluctant to share my writing and that imposter just wants to knock me down a peg or two. Just be you. Like you tell your students, I’d imagine….do your best. Focus on where you are and the steps you will take to doing more or better work. It’s not about pleasing others. It’s about gaining some vision about your voice. Others have their reactions to your words, your sentiments. It’s always simply put, their ideas. Sure you can listen and if there is a steady chorus of some type, then maybe it is worth trying to work on that here and there. BUT it is your voice, your story, your words, your way. Just keep writing. In so many pieces there may be golden nuggets…seeds of ideas….sometimes only one and it may spur you on. Hang in there. Put on your child armor and forge ahead, do your best, let it flow and go with it. All you need to do is maybe give yourself permission to not be perfect. You are fine just the way you are. Think like a 4th grader you have loved. (It is 4th grade, right?) BUT you are braver than I. I would be in the same position. So I say, trust yourself. For what it is worth my little pep talk.
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What a lovely, empathetic pep talk, Janet! I so appreciate it, especially the “permission to not be perfect.” It’s amazing how I still feel, at 57, like such a work in progress in countless ways. Thanks again!! (PS–I was 4th for quite a while, but am heading into my third year back down in 2nd grade this year, and loving it!)
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Oh, thanks, I didn’t mean to be preachy and you got it. I am almost 2 decades ahead of you! And despite some nice acclamations over time, I still hesitate to put myself in situations that could help me, could be great, but I am worried about how I would react. Besides nerves, maybe I’d think I should go with their ideas even if the little inside voice is saying, trust yourself. It’s a tightrope for sure. I love your writing and voice!!! So it’s important to stretch ourselves, plus important to have the “ears-eyes” you are comfortable with who make suggestions. Always hearing “it’s wonderful” (say, sharing with a friend) doesn’t necessarily move you forward. Such a life the writer’s. I still have a long ways to go and not a ton of time!!! My motto? Be happy, write and take babysteps if you need to by putting yourself out there. I have a minimum of 5 books sitting around in various stages. Think I have a publisher for a book of my poems. But my classroom life, my opining on education and teaching, and my poetry program…..well I should get a fellowship and hole up, say on the Maine coast and write!!!!! Have you ever heard Steven Layne talk about how he wrote one of his books? In a hotel, away from home, had photos of his friends enlarged, use pillows as an audience with photos “on them” and talked/recorded to get his words down and went from there. I would be good at that. If you have never read his work on teaching, it’s good and his Balcony People talk among others is good. Not sure what he is up to these days, maybe a college prof. Heading to Maine in Oct. thankfully. Have a poem coming in a new Pomelo book that should be wonderful. Clara’s Kooky Compendium of Wonderfuzz and Thimble Thoughts ! For classrooms and teachers.
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Also, where is this beach???
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It’s the big beach on Campobello. Herring Cove maybe?
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I will read your entire post tomorrow but I was stopped when you mentioned Ralph Fletcher! Is his wife Joanne Portalupi there? Ralph and Joanne are rock stars in the writing world and the teaching of writing world. They were big shots during my years in the summer New Hampshire Summer Writing Program at the University of New Hampshire in the 1980s and 90s. They are big deals having worked with Don Graves, Don Murray, Tom Newkirk, and Jane Hansen, all of UNH. I believe Joanne graduated from the same PhD program in Reading and Writing Instruction a few years before I did in 1999! Wishing them my best. I am big fan of their work! Small world after all!
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They are both here! Should I tell them you say “Hello?” I love when worlds intersect.
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Yes. I’m a fan. I think her first college job was at UAB – University of Alabama at Birmingham.
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So. Many. People! When I go to writing workshops and conferences, I have learned that I have to schedule in A LOT of quiet introverting time to restore my energy. That beach looks like just the place to do it.
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I guess, among other things, I’m learning to schedule that time in for myself. A single room helps, and the beach was such an unclenching!
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I feel your introvert pain! You seem to be finding the rhythm and spaces you need. Happy writing!
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I learned a lot about how to find that space I needed. 🙂 It was just a turbulent transition into it all!
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I’m proud of you, Molly. Anxiety can really do a number on us all. I find that it’s easier to indulge in isolating myself more and more as I’ve gotten older (especially since Covid forced us all into it.) I have to remind myself that I don’t ever regret it when I put myself out there with people. I did so much of that last summer, and it was eye-opening. This summer, I haven’t, and I think that’s ok as well.
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Thanks, Sara! After the first day, things settled more into place. I’m glad I did this, even with the rough spots.
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So many of us feel this way, I do! And when I make the effort such experiences turn out to be the best! We are throwing ourselves a 52nd anniversary party this evening. I am at the point where I wish Hannah and I just had the night alone. Yet, when it’s over, it’s likely to be one of the highlights of the summer. All three kids (all in their 40s) are among the ten guests. We do small parties now! Welcome back from Lubec. What did you learn with R and G that you’ll use in your writing life?
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I’ve been so envious of your writing retreat that I didn’t even read this slice. Truly it was lost in my sea of emails, but I can relate to all of it. The awkwardness of introversion! I can imagine, though, being a writer that you are in good company. I wish I had asked you to tell both Ralph and Georgia hello from me. They are rock stars, but they are also very generous and kind people. Love them!
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