Sag Wagons

I’m two days in to our second week of school. Transitioning from summer mode to full-on school is always a shock to the system, and this year has been no different.

This past weekend I checked in with a friend who’d agreed to participate in a 30 mile fundraising bike ride last weekend–after not having ridden a bike in decades! (Talk about a shock to the system!)

“”Can you walk? How did it go?” I asked immediately, as she answered the phone.

Once she figured out what I was talking about, she laughed and filled me in. “It went well! There was a sag wagon that ran alongside, so if you got tired, you could get on that. I rode most of the way, but got on the sag wagon at the end, because we had reservations and needed to be on time. “

At first, I mostly ignored her accomplishment (sorry, Mels!), because I was immediately transfixed by the idea of a sag wagon. Having never participated in a bike race, this was a new term to me.

“OMG! I want a sag wagon! I think everyone needs a sag wagon in their life!” I declared.

I love this idea so much! The more I thought about it, the more I loved it. I imagine everyone’s sag wagon would look different, too. In the case of the bike race, it was a literal wagon, with room for bikes and tired or injured riders. But, couldn’t we have metaphorical ones as well? The things that provide us with a bit of respite or just a breather? I’m pretty sure that my Friday night sag wagon last week looked like most of a small Margherita pizza and a generous glass of red wine. Sometimes a sag wagon might be a conversation with a friend or time spent within the pages of a book. Or watching the birds. Or just saying “No” to a pile of work and walking away for a while.

It just struck me that we probably do already all have our own varied sag wagons, but that’s not enough. The harder part is that each of us needs to decide when to stop and hop on board. A sag wagon is not going to grab you and your bike and make that decision for you. You have to recognize that it’s in your best interest to access that wagon so you can keep moving forward and eventually finish the race, one way or the other.

“Congrats!” I said to my friend, “That’s impressive! You did it!”

“Well,” she hemmed, “I didn’t ride the whole way. I did get on the sag wagon.”

“You still did it,” I insisted.

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said. “I guess I did…Thanks!”

I’m not sure this sag wagon metaphor works on all levels, but I’m definitely going to keep thinking about it.

Early Morning Adventure

I set out on my morning walk, energized by the bright sun, blue skies and low humidity. About a half mile down the road, I spied something on the road further ahead of me. It was almost triangular in shape, larger at its base and rising to a sort of peak. What was it?

It didn’t look like a branch or bundle of leaves… Was it an animal? Was it a bird? I peered ahead. What could it be?

A car drove down the road, narrowly missing the object. As the car passed, the whatever-it-was lifted up a bit and shifted around. Oh, it’s definitely alive. That looked a bit like flapping. I think it’s a bird!

I picked up my pace. As I neared the object, I could see that it was most definitely a bird. In fact, it was a blue jay.

Another car came around the corner and I waved it to the other side of the road, away from the bird. After it passed, I knelt down and assessed. The bird looked a bit disheveled, but wasn’t obviously injured. The tail feathers were quite short, which made me think it might be a juvenile. I looked up and around. Where had it come from? I didn’t see a nest, although there were plenty of trees overhanging the road.

The main thing was to get it to a safer spot. I placed my hands closer to it, and it immediately hopped up and down agitatedly. That seemed like a good sign, health-wise, but it clearly didn’t want me to touch it. Still, I needed to get it out of the road. I reached down again, nudging it gently toward the edge of the pavement but met with little success.

“Come on, buddy,” I said. “I’m just trying to help you.”

I was pretty sure I was going to need to pick it up. I looked askance at its beak, which appeared quite large. Potentially painfully large. I considered my options and opted to procrastinate by taking a photo while I was at it. (See how big that beak is!?)

“You’re not going to peck me if I pick you up, are you?” I asked.

Then, figuring it really couldn’t do that much damage, I reached down, crouching and slowly cupped my hands around the bird, simultaneously moving toward the edge of the pavement.

Suddenly, SQUAWK!!!!! SQUAWK!!!! SQUAWK!!!!

A crescendo of piercing squawks of protest filled the air. How could something that loud come from this small bird?! Thoreau apparently described the jay’s ear-splitting call as a “steel cold scream”, and in this instance, I couldn’t disagree! I was so surprised that my hands flew open and the bird tumbled out of them, somersaulting onto the grass. It looked at me indignantly, but appeared none the worse for wear.

“Well, I’m sorry,” I said, defensively, “but I wasn’t expecting that!”

With the bird safely out of the road, I decided to leave it where it was and continue my walk.

“If you’re still here when I get back,” I told it, “I’ll be taking you home with me.”

Whether that was threat enough or not, I don’t know, but upon my return, about a half hour later, the jay was nowhere in sight. My ears were still ringing though!

It was quite an early morning adventure!

An Unexpected Gift

I walked down the beach, soaking in the long sweep of solitude. I’d been inundated with activity and people lately, and needed this time apart to recalibrate. I was feeling frazzled and fractured.

As I walked, the wind blew relentlessly into my face, transforming my dangling earrings into wind chimes. I wandered along, soaking in the serenity and the scenery, stopping occasionally to take pictures. Struck by an isolated boat at anchor. The interplay of granite, tree and sky. Or a still life of rocks beneath my feet.

Moving along the beach, I spotted a large piece of driftwood. I love driftwood with its intricate lacing of pale sea- and salt-worn branches and roots. I angled up the beach to get closer. There were rocks tucked in to some of the crevices, and a strand of grass had opportunely seeded and was reaching toward the sky.

I began taking pictures. Often, photography can serve as a sort of meditation for me. I find myself lost in the flow of what’s around me. Moving seamlessly from object to object. Looking at the light. The shapes. The shadows. It was exactly what I needed at this time. As I took pictures in the sun, with the wind and waves and the worn wood and tide-tumbled rocks, I felt my own edges smooth out. I felt the stress of the past day fade away.

Then, thinking the light would be better, I walked around to the other side of the driftwood to take a few more photos. There were more rocks tucked in the tangled roots. It took me a second to realize there was writing on them. This was the first one I read:

I was stunned. The writing was so random and unexpected, yet so apt and intimate. I felt like I’d received a secret message.

I read all the other rocks, and noticed spots where people had graffitied the wood with positive words and images.

I imagined different people choosing their rocks, writing a message of hope and comfort, then tucking them into the nooks and crannies of this tide-tossed tree, not knowing who might ever read it. Not knowing how welcome its message might be.

What a lovely note of kindness to put out into the world. What a gift.

Retreat!

“When are you going to find time to slice today?” Amy asked me as we passed in the hall.  

It was early on the second day of the Quoddy Writing Retreat led by Ralph Fletcher and Georgia Heard. I’d found out during the March challenge that Ana and her friend, Amy, would be here and had looked forward to meeting both of them. They both seem delightful …which is why typing my response to her question makes me cringe even more than when I said it.

“I was thinking about that, ” I replied, “but then I didn’t know if I could slice and be honest because you and Ana might read it!”

Immediately, I regretted saying this. Ugh. Somehow my filter has definitely frayed as I’ve gotten older. How in the world could anyone reasonably respond to that!? (Sorry, Amy!) 

Amy looked a bit taken aback, and I quickly retreated, saying my goodbyes and continuing on my way, mentally kicking myself the whole way. We didn’t cross paths again that morning. 

But let me back up a bit.

Many months ago, when I signed up for this retreat (the first writing retreat I’ve ever participated in), I knew I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I knew that I’d likely be uncomfortable. First of all, I’m an introvert and am especially uncomfortable in large social groups. Secondly, I’d be sharing my writing with strangers. Thirdly, I’d be sharing my work with…Ralph Fletcher and Georgia Heard! Fourth…

Well, I could go on, but suffice it to say that months ago, it felt like an important challenge for me. Unfortunately, as I’ve learned more and more about growth mindset, I’ve realized that my own is lamentably weak. I wish I viewed new experiences as opportunities to stretch myself. Actually, I do view them that way, at least intellectually. Emotionally, it’s a whole different situation. My intellect had been in charge when I signed up, but after the first day at the retreat, my emotions had made a surprisingly strong and unwelcome surge. Imposter sydrome also made an ugly appearance. I felt slightly under siege.

By the end of the first full day, I’d written morning notes in my notebook, breakfasted with the group, listened to Ralph and Georgia, written for another 1 + hours, participated in a response group and shared my work, met with Ralph Fletcher (who, after reading my work, disappointingly did not turn to me exclaiming about my genius and offering to set me up with his agent), lunched with everyone (and they’re all interesting and friendly people, but all the personalities and remembering the names and matching them to faces and trying to remember whom I’d talked to about what…Ack!) and headed out for a hike (beautiful!)  with a group (lovely and low key…but still… people!), then a reception at Ralph’s house (wow! gorgeous! More people and conversation…), and then a lobster dinner for the group…

Perhaps having read that grammatically challenged and surely convoluted prior sentence/paragraph helped you relate: I was utterly exhausted and more uncomfortable than I ever might have imagined. I felt a visceral urge to… RETREAT! (The irony is not lost on me.)

“There are just SO many people!” I said when I called my husband that night. “I’m not sure I realized how intensely introverted I’ve become. I think it’s getting worse, rather than better with age.”

Still, a good night’s sleep began to put things into a better perspective. I realized that my response was way out of proportion, and probably rooted more in anxiety than in reality. In the light of a new day, I took stock. A part of me has really enjoyed meeting with and talking with all these people. Ralph and Georgia are great, and I have a warm, supportive response group. To be honest, it was also helpful to know that most of the group was heading to Campobello Island to see the Roosevelt’s cottage and have “Tea with Eleanor”. Having passed on the outing (since I’d done both before), I knew I would have some afternoon down time. By mid-morning, I felt more composed and had managed to get a better perspective on my oversized reaction.

Somehow, unfortunately, I hadn’t quite attained this sense of equilibrium before seeing Amy (sorry again, Amy!), and those words just spilled out, sour left-overs from yesterday’s turmoil.

After our workshop time ended today, everyone grabbed lunch and headed off on their adventure. And I opted to spend a LONG time here:

Ahhhhhhlone!

Instant recalibration.

So, now it’s a little after 5 pm, and rather than holing up in my room, I’m typing in the common room of the lodge. I’m actually hoping to catch up with some people as they return from the island outing.

Believe it or not, right now, dinner with a few companions sounds quite nice.

Sisters

Last week I drove to Seneca Falls, NY to spend time with my three sisters. What a gift! I’ve been writing a lot about them and our trip since my return. I could go on and on about what a wonderful time we had together, and about how much I miss them now that we’ve parted. This morning I wanted to write a slice about our time together, but I couldn’t figure out what to focus on.

While I was waiting for SOL inspiration to strike, Margaret Simon’s slice arrived in my Inbox. She shared her puppy-centered response to this morning’s Ethical ELA prompt. That prompt suggested using “The Important Book” by Margaret Wise Brown as a mentor for a poem. I, too, had written a response to that prompt this morning, but mine had focused on my sisters. Somehow, it had never occurred to me to share that poem as my slice today. Thanks for the idea, Margaret!

The important thing about sisters
is that they are always there for you.
They love you despite your faults,
and maybe even because of them.
They share your memories–
and sometimes augment or correct them.
They connect you to past and future.
They speak the family shorthand fluently
with a gesture
or a glance.
They are companions and confidants.
But the most important thing about sisters
is that they are always there for you.

©Molly Hogan

Dinner in Dublin

In spite of the less-than-favorable forecast and the typical Irish weather, it had been a beautiful day in Dublin, and we’d been walking and soaking in the scenery all day long. After debating our options, we’d finally selected to eat in the outside area of a restaurant adjacent to the pedestrian zone. We placed our order, and sat back, ready to enjoy both people-watching and being off of our feet. It was finally sinking in: Our long anticipated trip had really begun!

Dining tables in Europe tend to be placed closer together which can invite conversation or at least facilitate eavesdropping. The table across from ours was quite close, and the four people there were clearly enjoying their time together, with lively conversation. The server kept them well-supplied with a variety of adult beverages, and their happy laughter was a nice backdrop to the scenery and our own idle conversation. Eventually, not long after we got our meal, they departed.

Within minutes after they left, a man strolled in from the street, sauntered over to their table, still cluttered with half-finished drinks and dirty plates, and sat down. He leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs, clearly quite at ease.

He must be hungry or really impatient, I thought idly. He isn’t even waiting for the table to be cleared.

Then, the man casually picked up one half-finished drink, lifted it to his lips and drank it down.

Wait! What?!

Kurt and I turned to each other, astonished. We looked back just in time to see the man downing the dregs of the next drink. And then the next. And the next. Almost before we could even process this, he had emptied all the glasses, stood up and was walking away.

As he left, a server approached, and he reached out with both his hands, clasped one of her hands and vigorously shook it. She looked a bit confused, but smiled at him as he talked to her. Then he released her hand and casually walked out of the restaurant and down the street. She continued toward us.

“Excuse me,” my husband said to her as she neared our table, “Did you know that man?”

“No,” she said, laughing. ” I have no idea who he is.”

“Well,” my husband said, “he just sat down and polished off the remnants of all the drinks that were on that table.”

The waitress’s jaw dropped.

Mine still does too, every time I think about it.

Garden Time

Tranquility is a true gift In the midst of the year-end hullabaloo and preparations for summer travel, and there’s not much that’s more peaceful then spending time in a spring garden…at least when you’re not being surprised by reptiles (here). Whenever I can find the time, I’ve been soaking up the essence of my garden. In between the flares of dame’s rocket and the spears of iris are pockets of calm. I linger there.

In the garden
peace
sprouts
green
tendrils.
Peace
unfurls
tender
leaves.
Peace
in the garden.

©Molly Hogan

Garden Surprise

It’s one of those days that reminds me why I live in Maine–all sharp-edged clarity and cool low humidity. Sun streaming and the air scented with a potpourri of scents: lilac, wisteria, lily of the valley, and freshly mown grass. I putter about the yard, moving from garden to garden, enjoying my haphazard wandering, surrounded by bountiful evidence of spring’s entrenchment. I weed here and there, spread some mulch. Every so often I stop to admire tendrils of growth or newly emerged blooms. To gently brush variegated leaves. I’m deeply and utterly content to be where I am, doing what I’m doing.

I reach into the half-weeded side garden, where bee balm and evening primrose thrive along with some needs-to-be weeded long grass. I lean further in to pick up a plastic pot filled with hard and shrunken soil. I’d had sweet peas in there last year, hoping they would wind there way up the side of the outbuilding. No such luck. What might I do this year?

The day shifts to shudder when I see, or sense a flash of movement and feel a sudden slithering whisper over the back of my hand. My shriek shatters the crystal blue tranquility of the day. I drop the pot, jumping backward, and recognize the sinuous form–SNAKE– in the same instant that it computes:

OMG! It just slithered over my hand!!!

The pot tumbles back to earth and there’s a flash of muscular scales as the snake nestles further into the shadow between the pot and the earth. I hold my hand to my heart, struggling to slow its frantic pace.

After a few minutes I step forward, my curiosity getting the better of me. In my mind, my favorite mantra of all time loops on repeat: There are NO poisonous snakes in Maine! There are NO poisonous snakes in Maine! I’m pretty sure it must be a garter snake. I can remember my grandmother speaking fondly to them in her own garden. I’m not sure I’m up to that, but still, I’m slowly drawn forward.

At first I can only see one bend of snake, looped up over the soil. The sheen of overlapping scales is almost beautiful. Almost. Then I see the head, tucked down into the shadows. A glimmer of eye. The snake is clearly watching me and is also clearly entrenched. After a few moments, I go inside to get my camera and return to take a few photos. The distance of a lens is always helpful.

It isn’t too long before I realize that it isn’t just one snake. There are actually TWO of them. I can’t suppress another little shudder. One is bolder and pops its head out. Its tongue flickers wildly, no doubt trying to pinpoint my presence. I see the forked black end of the tongue emerge over and over, noting how it turns to red when the tongue is fully emerged. I’m sort of grotesquely fascinated. This snake and I lock eyes as I take a few photos. I murmur a few reassurances. I won’t hurt it, but I’m not going to pet it either!

We pass several long moments together. My heart settles down. We watch each other carefully. The small space between us hums with possibility.

After a while, I leave the snake and return to my puttering. Every so often I cast a wary eye toward that garden. Perhaps the primrose and bee balm will thrive even with the weeds in their midst. It seems I’ll be sharing that garden for the summer. Now that I’m aware of that, I’m sort of…maybe…okay with it. But I’m pretty sure I won’t be weeding much there.


Chasing Rainbows

“It’s raining again,” Kurt commented.

I looked outside and saw the sparkle of rain, lit by sun. It was one of those spring showery days, where the sun and rain had been continually vying for control. In short, it was rainbow weather.

“Ooooh!” I said, scanning the skies through the window, “I bet there’s a rainbow somewhere!”

Our home is situated on a hill, surrounded by trees. It’s lovely for many reasons, but viewing large expanses of sky and/or the horizon isn’t one of them.

“I’m going to drive down to the river to see if there’s a rainbow,” I announced. “Want to come?”

“Sure.”

We grabbed jackets and the keys, and were out the door and into the car within two minutes. Turning left out of our driveway, I kept one eye on the sky. As we approached the end of our road, I exclaimed, “Oh, look! There’s one!”

A huge rainbow was just appearing in the eastern sky. As we drove, it seemed to get brighter and brighter. Within a minute or two we were at the river and quickly parked. We scrambled out of the car to marvel at the rainbow emblazoned across the sky. It was a beauty! I took a few photos, hoping to capture its splendor. Its colorful arc stretched from dark clouds partway across the river, then disappeared into cloud-scattered blue skies. Wow!

Even if you understand the science, rainbows still feel like magic. When you see one, you have to stop and appreciate it. To wonder at it. To watch it glow and then ultimately fade away. It’s such an intense and transient beauty.

You can’t order up a rainbow like you can a taco (nod to Naomi Shihab Nye), but you can notice when conditions are ripe and go looking.

Some people chase tornados, I chase rainbows. I highly recommend it!

SOL: Lovely Start to the Day

On this Monday of our week of spring break, the clouds drew me outside early. Something about their arrangement over the smooth line of the barn roof caught my eye, so I ventured out, camera in hand. I had snapped a photo when, out of the corner of my eye, I heard a flutter, saw a whisper of movement. I glanced over to see the door to an outbuilding had come open during the night–or perhaps been left open after all our yard work yesterday.

Looking in, I saw a small bird fluttering up and down, trying to escape through the window–though the open door was just as close. I stepped inside and slowly walked over to the window. As I neared, I reached my hands to the window sill, where the bird was now huddled, to pick it up. I placed my hands about it–felt the scrabble of feet, the quick flutter of wings, the insubstantial weight of flight. It quickly stilled within my cupped hands, and I murmured reassuringly, It’s okay. Why, you’re a sweet little white throated sparrow, aren’t you? You’re such a tiny one! Let’s get you out of here now.

Keeping up my inane crooning, I stepped outside the building and slowly opened my hands. The bird, after the slightest of hesitations, flew directly to the birch tree to perch. My spirits lifted with its flight. It really was okay! A red-bellied woodpecker sang out jubilantly from a nearby tree, calling again and again. I watched my breath cloud in the chilly air, tuned in to bright day around me, to the gradual greening, the myriad bird calls. I watched the small sparrow rub its beak against the birch bark.

Then there was a sudden crash and clamor from the brush in the side yard, and I looked over to see a flurry of movement. Deer! My pleasure at seeing them wasn’t enitrely unadultered, as I’d already taken note of some decimated tulips under the apple tree. Still, I couldn’t fail to mostly delight in their presence. They stopped just over the ridge toward the neighbor’s yard, and I counted. One. Two. Three. Four. One looked steadily through the branches at me for long minutes. Then another. Then, in a sudden silent coordinated moment, they took off, loping away–all elegant limbs and tawny pelts, flashing white tail flags as they left.

I turned to walk back inside and return to my coffee. A white throated sparrow called over and over again. The clouds still dotted brilliant blue skies.

Ah, what a lovely way to start the morning.