“When are you going to find time to slice today?” Amy asked me as we passed in the hall.  

It was early on the second day of the Quoddy Writing Retreat led by Ralph Fletcher and Georgia Heard. I’d found out during the March challenge that Ana and her friend, Amy, would be here and had looked forward to meeting both of them. They both seem delightful …which is why typing my response to her question makes me cringe even more than when I said it.

“I was thinking about that, ” I replied, “but then I didn’t know if I could slice and be honest because you and Ana might read it!”

Immediately, I regretted saying this. Ugh. Somehow my filter has definitely frayed as I’ve gotten older. How in the world could anyone reasonably respond to that!? (Sorry, Amy!) 

Amy looked a bit taken aback, and I quickly retreated, saying my goodbyes and continuing on my way, mentally kicking myself the whole way. We didn’t cross paths again that morning. 

But let me back up a bit.

Many months ago, when I signed up for this retreat (the first writing retreat I’ve ever participated in), I knew I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I knew that I’d likely be uncomfortable. First of all, I’m an introvert and am especially uncomfortable in large social groups. Secondly, I’d be sharing my writing with strangers. Thirdly, I’d be sharing my work with…Ralph Fletcher and Georgia Heard! Fourth…

Well, I could go on, but suffice it to say that months ago, it felt like an important challenge for me. Unfortunately, as I’ve learned more and more about growth mindset, I’ve realized that my own is lamentably weak. I wish I viewed new experiences as opportunities to stretch myself. Actually, I do view them that way, at least intellectually. Emotionally, it’s a whole different situation. My intellect had been in charge when I signed up, but after the first day at the retreat, my emotions had made a surprisingly strong and unwelcome surge. Imposter sydrome also made an ugly appearance. I felt slightly under siege.

By the end of the first full day, I’d written morning notes in my notebook, breakfasted with the group, listened to Ralph and Georgia, written for another 1 + hours, participated in a response group and shared my work, met with Ralph Fletcher (who, after reading my work, disappointingly did not turn to me exclaiming about my genius and offering to set me up with his agent), lunched with everyone (and they’re all interesting and friendly people, but all the personalities and remembering the names and matching them to faces and trying to remember whom I’d talked to about what…Ack!) and headed out for a hike (beautiful!)  with a group (lovely and low key…but still… people!), then a reception at Ralph’s house (wow! gorgeous! More people and conversation…), and then a lobster dinner for the group…

Perhaps having read that grammatically challenged and surely convoluted prior sentence/paragraph helped you relate: I was utterly exhausted and more uncomfortable than I ever might have imagined. I felt a visceral urge to… RETREAT! (The irony is not lost on me.)

“There are just SO many people!” I said when I called my husband that night. “I’m not sure I realized how intensely introverted I’ve become. I think it’s getting worse, rather than better with age.”

Still, a good night’s sleep began to put things into a better perspective. I realized that my response was way out of proportion, and probably rooted more in anxiety than in reality. In the light of a new day, I took stock. A part of me has really enjoyed meeting with and talking with all these people. Ralph and Georgia are great, and I have a warm, supportive response group. To be honest, it was also helpful to know that most of the group was heading to Campobello Island to see the Roosevelt’s cottage and have “Tea with Eleanor”. Having passed on the outing (since I’d done both before), I knew I would have some afternoon down time. By mid-morning, I felt more composed and had managed to get a better perspective on my oversized reaction.

Somehow, unfortunately, I hadn’t quite attained this sense of equilibrium before seeing Amy (sorry again, Amy!), and those words just spilled out, sour left-overs from yesterday’s turmoil.

After our workshop time ended today, everyone grabbed lunch and headed off on their adventure. And I opted to spend a LONG time here:

Ahhhhhhlone!

Instant recalibration.

So, now it’s a little after 5 pm, and rather than holing up in my room, I’m typing in the common room of the lodge. I’m actually hoping to catch up with some people as they return from the island outing.

Believe it or not, right now, dinner with a few companions sounds quite nice.