When I walked into the cafeteria for lunch duty yesterday afternoon, two of my first grade students motioned frantically for me to come over.  They were clearly bursting with excitement, practically jumping out of their seats.

“Mrs. Hogan! Mrs. Hogan,” J exclaimed. “I lost my tooth!”  She grinned broadly, showing a clear gap in the front of her mouth.

“When did you lose it?” I asked, “At recess?”

“No,”she said, “Just now.”

Then she and L both said, “And it’s a small moment! We can write about it.”

J continued, “I’m going to write about it and I’m going to say, ‘CRUNCH!”

“What a great idea!” I said.

“Well, it was actually L’s idea.” she clarified.

Yeah,” L said, “I thought she could add CRUNCH!”

J elaborated, “I’m going to write, ‘I bit into my hamburger and duh duh duh” -she paused dramatically-“CRUNCH!” (Duh duh duh is my first grade class’s preferred verbal translation for an ellipsis.)

They continued on for a few moments, sharing their plans with me and brightening my day, until I had to move away to assist another student. 

A few minutes later, they called me back over.

“You know what we’re going to do? We’re going to do what George McClements did!” L said. (Note—George McClements is one of our mentor authors who wrote the incomparable Night of the Veggie Monsters.)

“Yeah, said J, “I’m going to write, ‘I tapped my feet up and down on the ground’ just like what he wrote.”  She tapped her feet to show me what she meant. “It’s because I was so excited,” she said. She continued to act out what happened as her tooth fell out, planning what words she’d use to tell her story.

As I walked away a few minutes later,  I heard the word “onomatopoeia” drift my way. The two of them, heads bent together, were still planning the story, pulling in every craft move they could think of, and clearly having a wonderful time.  It was one of those moments that allows the joy of teaching to shine through all the paperwork, assessments, meetings and stress.  The glow of that moment stayed with me all day and its memory will certainly warm me in the future. Almost twenty four hours later, I’m still smiling.

Tendrils of fog cavorted in low lying hollows in the chill morning air. I traveled the curving country lanes with half my mind already in the classroom, preparing for the day ahead.  When I arrived I would unstack the tidy piles of chairs and nestle them up to the tables already set with bright red caddies and folders labeled “Morning Work.”  The weekly newsletter was printed and stacked on the table by the door. I couldn’t forget to send those home and mentally envisioned sticking one bright sheet of paper into each small cubby. 

A flash of movement ahead caught my eye, pulling my attention fully back into my car and the moment.  Flocks of turkey, raccoons, fox and deer were a common sight along these back roads at dawn.  Many flew, scampered or bounded across the road, but others were still, strewn across the road or heaped in a pile– lifeless obstacles to avoid. On the occasion when I misjudged my tires’ trajectory, I was literally sickened by the thud under my wheels and I’d learned to be extra cautious driving at dawn and at dusk.

Ahead of me the movement repeated, low, by the side of the road. What was it? I peered through the windshield, easing my foot off the accelerator, and drifted closer.

There it was… on the other side of the road…a deer. It lay on its side, parallel to the road, facing me. As I neared, it suddenly  moved, twisting with tremendous effort, yet unable to regain its feet. It’s tawny legs thrashed from side to side.  It lifted its long neck, struggling mightily, then dropped back down to the berm.  Then it lay there, sides heaving. My guts twisted, as I slowed the car to a crawl and looked, horrified, at the deer. How long had it been here?  What should I do? 

The words leapt unbidden into my mind. I wish I had a gun.

But even if I did have a gun, what would I do?  I might like to think I’d be able to calmly and resolutely end that deer’s misery, but I’d be lying to myself.  That takes a kind of strength I don’t have. I’d never held a gun in my life and, anyway, I had no gun. My brain raced in circles while the deer continued its futile struggle at the edge of the road. 

Watching, my stomach churned and my fists clamped, white-knuckled, on the steering wheel.  My car continued to edge slowly closer to the deer’s resting place. I still had no idea what to do and felt trapped in the moment, paralyzed. My eyes darted frantically up and down the road, looking for someone, anyone, who might know what to do and have the physical and mental means to do it.  “Oh my God, Oh my God,” I repeated to myself again and again, as  I watched the deer struggle. 

In the distance ahead, yellowed headlights bobbed into view. I continued drifting, passing the deer, half off the road, still hesitating. I looked desperately toward the approaching vehicle, praying it was a pick up truck with a gun rack.  It pulled into view–not a pick up truck.  But then, without hesitation, this driver pulled over beside the flailing, distressed deer, stopped his car and opened the door. He was clearly prepared to handle the situation. A better man than I.

Tears in my eyes, I continued to roll away from the parked car and the deer. Then passing the baton, I pushed on the accelerator and moved forward into my day, toward my gleaming classroom, leaving a ribboning trail of shame and guilt behind me like a dark splotch on a country road.

I’ve been thinking a lot about mindfulness lately–the practice of being fully in one moment and then the next. This does not come easily to me, especially once the rhythm of the day is underway. I’m generally anticipating and preparing for the next moment rather than experiencing the present one. This weekend I slipped out of bed early and went to greet the morning down at the waterfront. How happy I am that I did!  I was able to sit and soak in the beauty of the dawning day, moment by moment. My experience inspired this poem.

The dock’s metal hardware clanked
as the planks bobbed up and down,
swaying on the buoyant water,
adjusting to my steps,
quieting when I sat
to watch and wait
in the early morning hush.
Moment by moment
I eased into
the slow, easy pulse
of this radiant morning.
Fish flipped,
launching from the water,
emerging in brief silvery flashes,
then flopping back into concentric circles
with a small splash.
A heron emerged to perch
on the dock’s edge
before lofting across the water
with mighty beating wings,
to settle on the far bank.
Fog, the visible breath of morning,
wafted over the river,
flirting with its surface,
stirred by invisible currents of air.
A solitary sailboat,
wreathed in mist,
stood sentinel in the distance,
eerie yet serene.
The heron soared again,
alighting on a softly bobbing boat,
facing the east.
The sun edged higher,
brushing the sky
with a rosy blush,
then crowned over the tops
of the shadowy trees,
a fiery orb,
spilling light onto the still waters.
I sat, rapt, at the dock
The heron, on the boat
Together, we watched the birth of the day.
Then the heron took flight,
his wings dipped in sunlight,
skimming over the bay,
heading into the glory of the dawn.

With the first week of school over and our own three children out of the nest, my husband and I headed to Old Orchard Beach, Maine. We hadn’t been in years, but Kurt had a hankering for some fried clams and beach time. I just wanted to steal a piece of the weekend for us, an “us” that all too frequently gets overwhelmed by school work, chores, errands, and my never-ending “to do” list.

Old Orchard Beach is a bit of Jersey beach in Maine. There’s a pay-as-you go amusement park, the beach is long and flat and crowded (by Maine standards), and the streets are filled with shops targeting tourists with T-shirts, salt-water taffy, and an assortment of fried foods from clams to pickles to Oreos. The air is redolent with the aromas of salt water, suntan lotion and edible grease–an unexpectedly tantalizing mix.

There was no one special moment to capture in this day. Instead it was a slow slide into moment after moment. We walked on the beach, enjoying the sight of young children dancing in the surf and building sand castles. We marveled at the array of colors in the waves and the overwhelming blue of the sky. We spread our tapestry on the warm golden sand and I briefly dozed, basking in the early September sun.  We waited in line for coffee and unashamedly eavesdropped on conversations around us. We people-watched, taking in the variety of body shapes, fashion statements, piercings, tattoos, and levels of modesty (or lack thereof). We talked. We laughed.  We held hands.  Utterly content to be in each moment, together, enjoying a stolen day.

J. was the first student to arrive. He came in the classroom door and called out, “Good morning, Mrs. Hogan!”

“Good morning, J, ” I answered, “Are you ready for a great day?”

“Yes, ” he replied, “I’m going to make a new friend today.”

“You are?” I asked, smiling, my day already made.

“Yes,” he said firmly, “I don’t know three girls in our class still.”

“Do you have a plan?”
“Well, I was going to ask you. It’s been so long since I made a new friend. I had a plan last night, but I forgot.”

Our conversation continued and J. remembered and fleshed out his plan. He would wait until recess and then ask a mutual friend to bring one of the girls over. Then he was going to say, “Hi. I’m J. What’s your name?”

Don’t you just love this kid?

On a recent evening, I was outside talking to my husband and noticed several large moths fluttering amidst the bee balm. “Oh, look,” I said, “Moths like bee balm, too!”

“Yeah,” he said, “Yesterday afternoon I just sat here for awhile and watched all the activity. It was amazing! There were bees, butterflies, hummingbirds and hummingbird moths all buzzing around in this one bunch of bee balm.  They just took what they needed and didn’t worry about anyone else. No one was hoarding or trying to claim the best blossom. They all just got along.”

He paused for a beat and then asked, “Why can’t people be that way?”

It’s raining in Paris.
Il pleut.
And the plump drops
mingle and fall
amidst the winding streets,
splattering the colorful umbrellas
which blossom on the sidewalks
from the hands of tourists,
who peer out from beneath their domes,
as rain, la pluie,
splashes on metal rooftops
in big fat polka dots and
courses down marble facades,
washing over gargoyles and spires
and sprinkling into fountains.
Il pleut.

What a beautiful thing it is
to sit by an open window
on an evening in Maine
with the late summer breeze
pushing the pale gauzy curtains
and whirring the blades
on the cheap foil pinwheel
propped in the terracotta vase
while the lowering sun
lingers on the blossoms in the garden
and a peach crisp bubbles in the oven.

Most mornings I rise early, happy to start the day as or before the sun rises.  My eyes pop open, and my mind engages– planning, listing, and organizing.  I roll out of bed and pad out into the kitchen, ready to enjoy the early morning solitude. On this past Sunday morning, however, I lingered in bed.  I rolled over and tugged the covers tighter around me. I kept my eyes shut.  Tight.  I didn’t want to get up.  I was not ready.

Over the last week or so, the pace had revved up–a bit faster each day. The long, lazy days of summer were fading fast and Sunday seemed to delineate, much too clearly, the end of summer and the beginning of too many changes.  It was the day I had to drive my daughter back to college. It’s her Junior year, so I should be accustomed to her absence. But I’ve grown accustomed to her presence again this summer–to small conversations, shared outings, casual hugs and sweet proximity. I’m just not ready to send her back.

Her departure was the first scheduled and the harbinger of more to come. Staying in bed felt like my only defense, pitiful though it was. The week loomed ahead of me: On Monday I would have my first meeting of the school year. On Tuesday I needed to work in my classroom.  Wednesday and Thursday are scheduled professional days. And on Friday…well, on Friday I take my oldest and my youngest to school. My son for his last year and my daughter for her first.  I’ve had an amazing summer from start to finish and feel refreshed and energized. I’m ready to go back to school, but I’m not so ready to let my children go. I’m just not ready.

So, on Sunday, I lingered in bed, trying to deny the inevitable for as long as I could. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I finally got up, helped my daughter load up the car, and drove her to school. We chatted about this and that, unpacked, shopped, unpacked again and then went out to lunch. I enjoyed every minute of it.

But then I had to leave her there. And when I dropped her off outside her new apartment, she hugged me tightly and said, “I’m gonna miss you, Mommy.”
“Me, too,” I said, “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She turned and walked away, strong, young and dazzling, and as I got back in the car to head home, she looked back and waved again.  My heart clenched and my eyes filled. God, I love that child.

I don’t know how I’m going to get out of bed on Friday.