I’ve been thinking a lot about mindfulness lately–the practice of being fully in one moment and then the next. This does not come easily to me, especially once the rhythm of the day is underway. I’m generally anticipating and preparing for the next moment rather than experiencing the present one. This weekend I slipped out of bed early and went to greet the morning down at the waterfront. How happy I am that I did!  I was able to sit and soak in the beauty of the dawning day, moment by moment. My experience inspired this poem.

The dock’s metal hardware clanked
as the planks bobbed up and down,
swaying on the buoyant water,
adjusting to my steps,
quieting when I sat
to watch and wait
in the early morning hush.
Moment by moment
I eased into
the slow, easy pulse
of this radiant morning.
Fish flipped,
launching from the water,
emerging in brief silvery flashes,
then flopping back into concentric circles
with a small splash.
A heron emerged to perch
on the dock’s edge
before lofting across the water
with mighty beating wings,
to settle on the far bank.
Fog, the visible breath of morning,
wafted over the river,
flirting with its surface,
stirred by invisible currents of air.
A solitary sailboat,
wreathed in mist,
stood sentinel in the distance,
eerie yet serene.
The heron soared again,
alighting on a softly bobbing boat,
facing the east.
The sun edged higher,
brushing the sky
with a rosy blush,
then crowned over the tops
of the shadowy trees,
a fiery orb,
spilling light onto the still waters.
I sat, rapt, at the dock
The heron, on the boat
Together, we watched the birth of the day.
Then the heron took flight,
his wings dipped in sunlight,
skimming over the bay,
heading into the glory of the dawn.

With the first week of school over and our own three children out of the nest, my husband and I headed to Old Orchard Beach, Maine. We hadn’t been in years, but Kurt had a hankering for some fried clams and beach time. I just wanted to steal a piece of the weekend for us, an “us” that all too frequently gets overwhelmed by school work, chores, errands, and my never-ending “to do” list.

Old Orchard Beach is a bit of Jersey beach in Maine. There’s a pay-as-you go amusement park, the beach is long and flat and crowded (by Maine standards), and the streets are filled with shops targeting tourists with T-shirts, salt-water taffy, and an assortment of fried foods from clams to pickles to Oreos. The air is redolent with the aromas of salt water, suntan lotion and edible grease–an unexpectedly tantalizing mix.

There was no one special moment to capture in this day. Instead it was a slow slide into moment after moment. We walked on the beach, enjoying the sight of young children dancing in the surf and building sand castles. We marveled at the array of colors in the waves and the overwhelming blue of the sky. We spread our tapestry on the warm golden sand and I briefly dozed, basking in the early September sun.  We waited in line for coffee and unashamedly eavesdropped on conversations around us. We people-watched, taking in the variety of body shapes, fashion statements, piercings, tattoos, and levels of modesty (or lack thereof). We talked. We laughed.  We held hands.  Utterly content to be in each moment, together, enjoying a stolen day.

J. was the first student to arrive. He came in the classroom door and called out, “Good morning, Mrs. Hogan!”

“Good morning, J, ” I answered, “Are you ready for a great day?”

“Yes, ” he replied, “I’m going to make a new friend today.”

“You are?” I asked, smiling, my day already made.

“Yes,” he said firmly, “I don’t know three girls in our class still.”

“Do you have a plan?”
“Well, I was going to ask you. It’s been so long since I made a new friend. I had a plan last night, but I forgot.”

Our conversation continued and J. remembered and fleshed out his plan. He would wait until recess and then ask a mutual friend to bring one of the girls over. Then he was going to say, “Hi. I’m J. What’s your name?”

Don’t you just love this kid?

On a recent evening, I was outside talking to my husband and noticed several large moths fluttering amidst the bee balm. “Oh, look,” I said, “Moths like bee balm, too!”

“Yeah,” he said, “Yesterday afternoon I just sat here for awhile and watched all the activity. It was amazing! There were bees, butterflies, hummingbirds and hummingbird moths all buzzing around in this one bunch of bee balm.  They just took what they needed and didn’t worry about anyone else. No one was hoarding or trying to claim the best blossom. They all just got along.”

He paused for a beat and then asked, “Why can’t people be that way?”

It’s raining in Paris.
Il pleut.
And the plump drops
mingle and fall
amidst the winding streets,
splattering the colorful umbrellas
which blossom on the sidewalks
from the hands of tourists,
who peer out from beneath their domes,
as rain, la pluie,
splashes on metal rooftops
in big fat polka dots and
courses down marble facades,
washing over gargoyles and spires
and sprinkling into fountains.
Il pleut.

What a beautiful thing it is
to sit by an open window
on an evening in Maine
with the late summer breeze
pushing the pale gauzy curtains
and whirring the blades
on the cheap foil pinwheel
propped in the terracotta vase
while the lowering sun
lingers on the blossoms in the garden
and a peach crisp bubbles in the oven.

Most mornings I rise early, happy to start the day as or before the sun rises.  My eyes pop open, and my mind engages– planning, listing, and organizing.  I roll out of bed and pad out into the kitchen, ready to enjoy the early morning solitude. On this past Sunday morning, however, I lingered in bed.  I rolled over and tugged the covers tighter around me. I kept my eyes shut.  Tight.  I didn’t want to get up.  I was not ready.

Over the last week or so, the pace had revved up–a bit faster each day. The long, lazy days of summer were fading fast and Sunday seemed to delineate, much too clearly, the end of summer and the beginning of too many changes.  It was the day I had to drive my daughter back to college. It’s her Junior year, so I should be accustomed to her absence. But I’ve grown accustomed to her presence again this summer–to small conversations, shared outings, casual hugs and sweet proximity. I’m just not ready to send her back.

Her departure was the first scheduled and the harbinger of more to come. Staying in bed felt like my only defense, pitiful though it was. The week loomed ahead of me: On Monday I would have my first meeting of the school year. On Tuesday I needed to work in my classroom.  Wednesday and Thursday are scheduled professional days. And on Friday…well, on Friday I take my oldest and my youngest to school. My son for his last year and my daughter for her first.  I’ve had an amazing summer from start to finish and feel refreshed and energized. I’m ready to go back to school, but I’m not so ready to let my children go. I’m just not ready.

So, on Sunday, I lingered in bed, trying to deny the inevitable for as long as I could. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I finally got up, helped my daughter load up the car, and drove her to school. We chatted about this and that, unpacked, shopped, unpacked again and then went out to lunch. I enjoyed every minute of it.

But then I had to leave her there. And when I dropped her off outside her new apartment, she hugged me tightly and said, “I’m gonna miss you, Mommy.”
“Me, too,” I said, “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She turned and walked away, strong, young and dazzling, and as I got back in the car to head home, she looked back and waved again.  My heart clenched and my eyes filled. God, I love that child.

I don’t know how I’m going to get out of bed on Friday.

What was wrong with these people? I was irritated, frustrated and uncomfortable. After some thought, I recognized the feeling –that squirmy, uncomfortable, guilty-by-association sensation. It took me right back to classrooms of my youth when other students were misbehaving and I, along with others, was not. I was remembering, at a visceral level, how it felt to be chastised and lumped in with a group of miscreants, when I was doing nothing wrong. And that’s how I felt in the Sistine Chapel.

Entering the Vatican Museum

En route to the Sistine Chapel via the Hall of Maps

The guide book noted that, after wandering through the Vatican Museum, we would know when we arrived at the Sistine Chapel because the room would be hushed and everyone would be staring at the ceiling. This wasn’t precisely accurate. The volume wasn’t loud, per se, but people were definitely talking–some at full volume. And I fully understood, and was guilty of, voicing aloud awe and wonder with my family. “Oh, did you see that?  What is he holding? What is that panel about? Look at that amazing detail…” In the presence of such an amazing piece of art, it was natural to want to share.

This is NOT my picture. I googled it–but look at all the people taking pictures!!!

But then the man with one of the worst jobs in the world got on the microphone and said, “Silencio! Silence, please. No pictures.” He repeated this in multiple languages. Chagrined by my whispering contribution to the chatter, I hushed. But I was astonished as, immediately after the announcement, the chatter around me began again.  It barely diminished, if at all, and cameras were still clearly in use.  The man with the microphone repeatedly approached individuals in the crowd, reminding them that pictures were not allowed. And when a young man in front of me stretched his arms out and openly positioned his iPad to take a better picture, I wanted to admonish him and lead him from the room.  You are being afforded a privilege here! This isn’t a right!  Show some respect! If you can’t follow the rules, get out!

We stayed in the chapel for quite some time and the man made his announcement again and again to no effect. He was essentially ignored, as people talked and took pictures as they liked. After we left, I muttered to my daughter, only partly joking, “There need to be consequences. Maybe they should hire Sistine Chapel bouncers.” I had tourist shame–I was lumped, once again, with a group of insubordinates and I was amazed by how fully I recognized the feeling, and how powerfully I disliked it.

I’ve since thought about this experience a lot.  And I wonder, uneasily, if my stern reaction to a rowdy classroom has ever sparked this same feeling in those students who were behaving.  Have I been clear and consistent enough with my consequences for those who are disruptive? How do I use this experience, this trip down an emotional memory lane, to shape my future reactions with all students in mind, when part of a class takes a detour to the wild side?  I’m not sure, but I know it will be in my mind as I enter the classroom later this month.

A chorus of bird song swells
from across the square.
“Oh, that must be the bird market!”
Delighted, we quicken our pace,
striding forward, purposefully,
anticipating an avian wonderland.
Following the song,
we turn the corner,
and the volume spikes.
Rows of tents and vendors,
decorative cages,
bird paraphernalia,
and birds, birds, birds
line the cobbled lane.
Colorful plumage pops
on this dreary day:
Golden yellow, vibrant green,
bold, blushing red.
Parrots, parakeets
Cockatiels and finches
fluttering, flapping,
perching or clinging to the bars,
in short bursts
of truncated movement.
Their eyes follow us,
as we, bound to earth,
wander freely amongst them.
Their chirps, trills, whistles, and squawks,
intertwine to create a symphony that
soars gracefully in the moist, morning air,
defying boundaries.
A caged song,
amplified by their quantity.
A beautiful sorrow.