After driving through moist winding roads and up into higher elevations,we arrive early in Locronon.  Our guidebook describes Locronan as “an exquisite hilltop village” “frozen in its ancient form” and we are eager to explore. Cars are restricted in the actual village, so we park in the designated lot and amble down the street that leads into the town. At the end of the street the towers of the Eglise St-Ronan and the church itself are swathed in mist. Beautiful granite buildings line the street and flowers spill from flower boxes, planters and gardens. Everything is lush and timeless here.

This is a peek-a-boo kind of town. Around each corner are visual delights, waiting to surprise and entrance. Each new spot offers a new vantage.  Peek through a hedge, and see the rolling hills and farmland spilling down the hilltop. Glance around a corner to see a cobblestoned lane, leading on a winding path to some hidden destination. Walk past the chapel to see pink and purple hydrangea burst forth from a small, inviting garden, their enormous blossoms unbelievably vibrant in the gray morning.
We meander through the town and opt for a tour of the church. Among other things, our volunteer tells us the tale of St. Ronan and the Keben, a local woman who conspired against him. He shows us how to follow the dramatic story through the painted carvings on the pulpit. These are not tame stories and involve werewolves, infanticide, treachery and miracles.  People still travel to this church to crawl under the supine statue of St. Ronan, hoping to cure their back pain. Fascinating stuff!

After our tour we visit boulangeries, and a variety of other stores. Following the advice of our guide book, we head toward Notre Dame de Bonne Nouvelle, a nearby chapel down a windy, green path, strewn with pebbles and warning signs about steep descent.  The chapel is situated near a natural spring, and it’s a green, lush, vibrant, holy place. Used by the hemp weavers and as a washing place, this spring was a gathering place for centuries.  As in most of Brittany, you can feel the weight of time in the weathered lichen-covered gray stones and in the cool reflections in the still pool of water. The weather heightens the feel—misty, mystical, and serene.       

Months have now passed since my daughter, Lydia, and I visited Locronan and traveled throughout  Brittany. I’m back in the classroom and Lydia is well into her first year of college.  Though empty nest hasn’t impacted me as I’d feared, there are days when I yearn for the timeless tranquility of Brittany, for those traveling days, a respite from the unrelenting pace of teaching and a time for the two of us. Tonight as I write this, thinking back, and browsing through the pictures, I’m struck by how far away and dreamlike our journey seems. And I realize how much I would like to sink back into that months-ago summer day, and relive another carefree moment with my daughter in this beautiful hillside Breton village, suspended in time.

At recess duty this week I was grabbed from behind in a giant hug. I twisted around to see one of my first grade students from last year. This student is pure bottled sunshine. She dances through life with a smile on her face, a positive attitude, and a never-ending stream of chatter. “Oh, K,” I said, “That’s my second K hug in one day!  What a lucky day!”

Arms still wrapped around my waist, she declared, “Mrs. Hogan, you’re my almost bestest teacher!”

“Almost bestest?” I queried.

“Yes,” she said, “Cause I don’t  know yet.” And then she added, as though stating the obvious, “I don’t know yet if you’re the bestest yet cause I’m still in school.” She paused, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Maybe when I’m in 8th grade, I’ll know.”

“Well,” I said, “Be sure to let me know.”

She bounced away, off to play with her classmates, calling back over her shoulder, “I will….if I see you.”

Smiling, I watched her dance away, and soon after, headed back to the classroom, determined to do my bestest.

Anxiety

When I wake in the morning, before my eyelids part,
the first burgeoning thought plucks at the strings of my mind,
setting off a faint vibration.
The next one chimes in.
Then yet another,
and another.
Until there is a thrumming, humming chorus
of thoughts and concerns,
obligations and intentions.
Most days the hum is background,
the established white noise soundtrack of my life.
But some days the strings are plucked
one after another
faster
and faster
crescendoing
cascading
one
atop
another
creating
a frantically discordant rhythm
an unhealthy resonance
of increasingly intense vibrations
until I wonder
Is this when I,
like a crystal goblet,
burst
into millions
of jagged shards?

I didn’t appreciate socks until I was well into my twenties and headed toward thirty. When I was young, I simply didn’t wear them. My husband still recalls with some disbelief our first real date. We were in high school and had gone out casually for the first time earlier in the week.  When he dropped me off, he’d said, “Next time it snows let’s go walking in Towner’s Woods.” Lo and behold, a scant few days later it did snow and in an unusual move, our superintendent cancelled school.  Kurt called me to make plans for a long walk in the snow later that day. 

When he picked me up, I was wearing Topsiders and no socks. He now says he has no idea why he continued to date me in the face of such monumental stupidity.  At the time he was astonished. I just didn’t like socks and I’m not convinced I even owned any, though I suppose I must have.  I didn’t understand why he thought it was such a big deal. So, with him shaking his head, we set off for our hike in the snowy woods. To this day I maintain (and he is forced to agree) that I didn’t complain (so why should he have cared?) and we had a great time.  We had such fun together, in fact, that 6 years later we were married in Towner’s Woods.

After my college graduation and our wedding, we moved to Baltimore. No one needs socks in Baltimore.  They really don’t.  You need air conditioning and you could make an argument for a concealed weapon in certain neighborhoods perhaps, but you really don’t need socks. So for years my sock bias remained unchallenged.

But then we moved to Maine.  We bought a 200-year old fixer-upper.  For the first year or two we had no heat in the kitchen other than a poorly designed wood stove. The kitchen pipes regularly froze and the floor was so cold that if I didn’t wear socks, my feet ached. I learned to appreciate the value of socks—not just any old socks, but really good socks—the ones in which you make a monetary investment. Like Smart Wool socks. Now, don’t get my wrong, my wallet still twinges when I see the price tag attached to those socks, but I now recognize their worth. 

So, today, with a chill clearly present in the autumnal air, I was willing to drive 20-30 minutes to investigate a new sock at one of my favorite fun funky stores. These socks were featured on their sale e-mail and after reading the description— “cozy fleece-lined wool socks” —I couldn’t resist checking them out. (The word “cozy” sucks me in every time!) I finally located them in a corner of the store, arrayed in rainbow hues. They exuded cheerful warmth and comfort, and even better, they were 25% off.  After some debate I selected a pair with warm blues and greens and happily paid for them, anticipating putting them on my feet. After arriving home, I immediately did so. I now have a little heat factory on my feet and feel encased in warmth from head to toe. These are super socks, ones that would send Dobby of Harry Potter fame into sock-excitement orbit. I’m almost there myself. These socks have raised my day to stellar heights. My daughters are home for the long weekend, there’s hot gypsy soup, a crispy boule and steamy gingered apple crisp for dinner, and my feet are encased in sock bliss.  Who could ask for anything more?  I think I’m going back tomorrow to buy another pair! 

When I walked into the cafeteria for lunch duty yesterday afternoon, two of my first grade students motioned frantically for me to come over.  They were clearly bursting with excitement, practically jumping out of their seats.

“Mrs. Hogan! Mrs. Hogan,” J exclaimed. “I lost my tooth!”  She grinned broadly, showing a clear gap in the front of her mouth.

“When did you lose it?” I asked, “At recess?”

“No,”she said, “Just now.”

Then she and L both said, “And it’s a small moment! We can write about it.”

J continued, “I’m going to write about it and I’m going to say, ‘CRUNCH!”

“What a great idea!” I said.

“Well, it was actually L’s idea.” she clarified.

Yeah,” L said, “I thought she could add CRUNCH!”

J elaborated, “I’m going to write, ‘I bit into my hamburger and duh duh duh” -she paused dramatically-“CRUNCH!” (Duh duh duh is my first grade class’s preferred verbal translation for an ellipsis.)

They continued on for a few moments, sharing their plans with me and brightening my day, until I had to move away to assist another student. 

A few minutes later, they called me back over.

“You know what we’re going to do? We’re going to do what George McClements did!” L said. (Note—George McClements is one of our mentor authors who wrote the incomparable Night of the Veggie Monsters.)

“Yeah, said J, “I’m going to write, ‘I tapped my feet up and down on the ground’ just like what he wrote.”  She tapped her feet to show me what she meant. “It’s because I was so excited,” she said. She continued to act out what happened as her tooth fell out, planning what words she’d use to tell her story.

As I walked away a few minutes later,  I heard the word “onomatopoeia” drift my way. The two of them, heads bent together, were still planning the story, pulling in every craft move they could think of, and clearly having a wonderful time.  It was one of those moments that allows the joy of teaching to shine through all the paperwork, assessments, meetings and stress.  The glow of that moment stayed with me all day and its memory will certainly warm me in the future. Almost twenty four hours later, I’m still smiling.

Tendrils of fog cavorted in low lying hollows in the chill morning air. I traveled the curving country lanes with half my mind already in the classroom, preparing for the day ahead.  When I arrived I would unstack the tidy piles of chairs and nestle them up to the tables already set with bright red caddies and folders labeled “Morning Work.”  The weekly newsletter was printed and stacked on the table by the door. I couldn’t forget to send those home and mentally envisioned sticking one bright sheet of paper into each small cubby. 

A flash of movement ahead caught my eye, pulling my attention fully back into my car and the moment.  Flocks of turkey, raccoons, fox and deer were a common sight along these back roads at dawn.  Many flew, scampered or bounded across the road, but others were still, strewn across the road or heaped in a pile– lifeless obstacles to avoid. On the occasion when I misjudged my tires’ trajectory, I was literally sickened by the thud under my wheels and I’d learned to be extra cautious driving at dawn and at dusk.

Ahead of me the movement repeated, low, by the side of the road. What was it? I peered through the windshield, easing my foot off the accelerator, and drifted closer.

There it was… on the other side of the road…a deer. It lay on its side, parallel to the road, facing me. As I neared, it suddenly  moved, twisting with tremendous effort, yet unable to regain its feet. It’s tawny legs thrashed from side to side.  It lifted its long neck, struggling mightily, then dropped back down to the berm.  Then it lay there, sides heaving. My guts twisted, as I slowed the car to a crawl and looked, horrified, at the deer. How long had it been here?  What should I do? 

The words leapt unbidden into my mind. I wish I had a gun.

But even if I did have a gun, what would I do?  I might like to think I’d be able to calmly and resolutely end that deer’s misery, but I’d be lying to myself.  That takes a kind of strength I don’t have. I’d never held a gun in my life and, anyway, I had no gun. My brain raced in circles while the deer continued its futile struggle at the edge of the road. 

Watching, my stomach churned and my fists clamped, white-knuckled, on the steering wheel.  My car continued to edge slowly closer to the deer’s resting place. I still had no idea what to do and felt trapped in the moment, paralyzed. My eyes darted frantically up and down the road, looking for someone, anyone, who might know what to do and have the physical and mental means to do it.  “Oh my God, Oh my God,” I repeated to myself again and again, as  I watched the deer struggle. 

In the distance ahead, yellowed headlights bobbed into view. I continued drifting, passing the deer, half off the road, still hesitating. I looked desperately toward the approaching vehicle, praying it was a pick up truck with a gun rack.  It pulled into view–not a pick up truck.  But then, without hesitation, this driver pulled over beside the flailing, distressed deer, stopped his car and opened the door. He was clearly prepared to handle the situation. A better man than I.

Tears in my eyes, I continued to roll away from the parked car and the deer. Then passing the baton, I pushed on the accelerator and moved forward into my day, toward my gleaming classroom, leaving a ribboning trail of shame and guilt behind me like a dark splotch on a country road.

I’ve been thinking a lot about mindfulness lately–the practice of being fully in one moment and then the next. This does not come easily to me, especially once the rhythm of the day is underway. I’m generally anticipating and preparing for the next moment rather than experiencing the present one. This weekend I slipped out of bed early and went to greet the morning down at the waterfront. How happy I am that I did!  I was able to sit and soak in the beauty of the dawning day, moment by moment. My experience inspired this poem.

The dock’s metal hardware clanked
as the planks bobbed up and down,
swaying on the buoyant water,
adjusting to my steps,
quieting when I sat
to watch and wait
in the early morning hush.
Moment by moment
I eased into
the slow, easy pulse
of this radiant morning.
Fish flipped,
launching from the water,
emerging in brief silvery flashes,
then flopping back into concentric circles
with a small splash.
A heron emerged to perch
on the dock’s edge
before lofting across the water
with mighty beating wings,
to settle on the far bank.
Fog, the visible breath of morning,
wafted over the river,
flirting with its surface,
stirred by invisible currents of air.
A solitary sailboat,
wreathed in mist,
stood sentinel in the distance,
eerie yet serene.
The heron soared again,
alighting on a softly bobbing boat,
facing the east.
The sun edged higher,
brushing the sky
with a rosy blush,
then crowned over the tops
of the shadowy trees,
a fiery orb,
spilling light onto the still waters.
I sat, rapt, at the dock
The heron, on the boat
Together, we watched the birth of the day.
Then the heron took flight,
his wings dipped in sunlight,
skimming over the bay,
heading into the glory of the dawn.

With the first week of school over and our own three children out of the nest, my husband and I headed to Old Orchard Beach, Maine. We hadn’t been in years, but Kurt had a hankering for some fried clams and beach time. I just wanted to steal a piece of the weekend for us, an “us” that all too frequently gets overwhelmed by school work, chores, errands, and my never-ending “to do” list.

Old Orchard Beach is a bit of Jersey beach in Maine. There’s a pay-as-you go amusement park, the beach is long and flat and crowded (by Maine standards), and the streets are filled with shops targeting tourists with T-shirts, salt-water taffy, and an assortment of fried foods from clams to pickles to Oreos. The air is redolent with the aromas of salt water, suntan lotion and edible grease–an unexpectedly tantalizing mix.

There was no one special moment to capture in this day. Instead it was a slow slide into moment after moment. We walked on the beach, enjoying the sight of young children dancing in the surf and building sand castles. We marveled at the array of colors in the waves and the overwhelming blue of the sky. We spread our tapestry on the warm golden sand and I briefly dozed, basking in the early September sun.  We waited in line for coffee and unashamedly eavesdropped on conversations around us. We people-watched, taking in the variety of body shapes, fashion statements, piercings, tattoos, and levels of modesty (or lack thereof). We talked. We laughed.  We held hands.  Utterly content to be in each moment, together, enjoying a stolen day.

J. was the first student to arrive. He came in the classroom door and called out, “Good morning, Mrs. Hogan!”

“Good morning, J, ” I answered, “Are you ready for a great day?”

“Yes, ” he replied, “I’m going to make a new friend today.”

“You are?” I asked, smiling, my day already made.

“Yes,” he said firmly, “I don’t know three girls in our class still.”

“Do you have a plan?”
“Well, I was going to ask you. It’s been so long since I made a new friend. I had a plan last night, but I forgot.”

Our conversation continued and J. remembered and fleshed out his plan. He would wait until recess and then ask a mutual friend to bring one of the girls over. Then he was going to say, “Hi. I’m J. What’s your name?”

Don’t you just love this kid?