Last night I groused and grumbled about trash detail in the morning. After two weeks of accumulation, and days of sun interspersed with rain, and yesterday’s downpours, it would be an unpleasant task. Compounding the effects of time and nature, a feral cat has been visiting us lately. He(?) has enjoyed exploring our trash by eviscerating trash bags and consuming tasty tidbits and he does not clean up after himself. With the cat in residence, putting the trash out at night was not a possibility, so I faced an unpleasant early morning duty and I was not happy about it.

This morning I woke early to sunshine and birdsong and knew I needed to get going—the trash truck waits for no man! So, after my first sip of coffee, I headed out, determined, boots on my feet, trash tags in my hand. About 15 minutes later I was done–disgusted, but done. I had picked up sodden cat-strewn tidbits, dodged maggots, rebagged hole-y trash bags, avoided gargantuan slugs, and hefted water-logged bags into the back of the truck. Satisfied with my hard work, I drove to the end of the driveway and deposited the bags in a haphazard pyramid of waste. Cross that off my list!

I was headed back toward the truck and up to my second sip of coffee when a flash of light behind me caught my eye. I turned and stopped. The morning sunlight streaked in golden rays across the road as it simultaneously peeked through the trees, dappling the road below. What a beautiful light display!

That brief glimpse snared me and swiftly and sweetly channeled me from determination to wonder. I returned to the house, but not for coffee, for my camera. With it in hand, and my eyes awakened, I wandered through our yard, soaking in the splendor of the morning.

How thankful I am that  a burst of sunlight shifted my focus and opened my eyes to the beauty around me.  

Library book sales are one of the highlights of my summer. These sales typically have scads of quality books at super prices and the money I pay goes to support a local library. What’s not to love?  I can, and have, spent hours rummaging on tables and through boxes full of books. In addition to browsing through books, I take great pleasure in watching others do the same. In fact, after reading a recent, delightful post by Mary Lou Shuster about being a book pusher, I now think I may be a bit of a book voyeur. I listen in to others talking about books. I watch them caress the spines of their favorites, lovingly riffle through pages and reminisce with a gleam in their eye. I get a thrill hearing the titles tumble longingly off their lips…you get the picture.

At any rate, this weekend our local library held their much touted and anticipated sale. The sale began at 10 am and at 9:45 there was already a long line of excited readers waiting outside the door. What a heartening sight: a warm, sunny summer morning and people were lining up to buy books and read! The air buzzed with conversation, anticipation and a lovely, positive energy.  Random comments floated my way.

“I have to stop buying books. I promised myself I wouldn’t buy anymore bookshelves.  I thought that would help, but now the books are all over my furniture!”

“I buy trade paper backs so I can resell them. I have a circuit of used book stores and I rotate through them. That way I make more money to buy more books!”

“I hate people from California. I really do.”

Finally, the doors opened, the crowd surged forward (gently and politely—this is, after all, a literary group) and into the building.The jr. high school auditorium was filled with table after table of books, labeled generally with such titles as “Children’s” “Travel” “Poetry”. Under each table are more and more boxes of books in reserve, patiently waiting to fill in empty spaces as books on tables are selected and removed. Smiling volunteers in blue aprons moved purposefully through the crowd, organizing, assisting, and rearranging. I scarcely knew where to look first and let the motion of the crowd move me. I meandered through the aisles, no real agenda in mind, pausing here and there, waiting my turn to move into the more popular tables. Watching and listening, breathing in books—alone and yet connected to this bookish community.

Eventually I worked my way through the crowds to one of the fiction sections. I leisurely turned over book after book. I considered enticing new titles and works by favored authors and added a few to my bag. I smiled with delight when spying old favorites, as though a beloved friend had unexpectedly appeared, and touched them gently, acknowledging our connection. Again and again I ruthlessly repressed my strong, strong inclination to reorganize books and reunite duplicates and series books. Each year I find it fascinating to discover which books I will see repeatedly. In past years I have seen copy after copy of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, A Thousand Splendid Suns and Memoirs of a Geisha. This year I saw multiple copies of Cutting for Stone, Water for Elephants, Olive Kitteridge. Who knows what next year will bring.

After I finished at that table, I moved into an adjacent room. Eager to dive into yet another selection of fiction, I nipped in to an open spot at a table beside an older woman. As we browsed, she suddenly reached to a book at the back of the table before us. “Oh, this is one of my favorites,” she whispered, for her ears only, as her fingers gently brushed the spine of John Irving’s Cider House Rules. I had heard similar words slipping unsummoned from my lips and from others time and again as I rummaged through the stacks today. She glanced up shyly, noticing me by her side. “I loved it, too,” I said. We smiled, confederates in books, and continued our search—for new treasures and old favorites.

I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately—in particular, the passage of time. So often I think of Time as an elusive resource, even an antagonist—slipping through my fingers—fingers which all too often are left clenched and grasping at its threads. I resent its unceasing passage, its whirlwind pace. I feel caught up in it, spinning out of control. Too much to do, too little time.

But right now I’m facing the sweet onset of summer and the gift of time. Time to write, time to sit, time to think. Time to connect. I often find the adjustment a bit challenging—from full-tilt all-speed-ahead to sudden stop and stillness.  There’s a jolt to my system—skid marks on my psyche. It takes time to find the rhythm of the days and my wheels spin on occasion, not quite adjusted to the slow, syrupy pace of summer days and a seeming surfeit of time.

Last week I spent the night down in Rockport, MA with an “old” friend, Sue, and her children at their rented beach house. Other than a few blips here and there, we’ve been doing this for years. It’s always been a wonderful time to relax and reconnect. Sue and I speak the shorthand of a long friendship. The year apart is insignificant and serves only to provide material for our conversations, the threads of which we set down each summer on long beach walks and which wait patiently through a long winter for us to pick up again, as we do, without a hitch, continuing to weave the fabric of our friendship. On the drive home I realized that we’ve been friends for 26 years now. How is that even possible?

Time in Rockport has always been a time away from time. It is even more so now that I teach and Sue’s visit coincides with the first days of summer vacation. I swear I took my first full breath in months, sitting at the beach, feeling the sun on my face, listening to the hiss of the surf and the calls of the gulls and realizing that for now, time was on my side. I had nothing pressing to do, nowhere to go, and could just be. Summer began to gently unfold before me like the waves unfurling and washing onto the sand at my feet.

This summer, inspired by a long-ago photo, I took a picture of my daughters and Sue’s.
I look at these photos side by side and the differences take my breath away. Clearly, even in Rockport, time presses on—the hiatus, while sweet and soothing, is illusory. While the minutes seemingly have passed slowly, this evidence of accumulating years divulges their steady pace. Time, stealthy Time, has been hard at work. Its inexorable tide has transformed these small, innocent faces into beautiful, young women. And though I yearn at times to slow down time’s passing, who would want to stop such a beautiful process?

It’s early on a cool, moist morning in Maine.  Sitting on my couch, I listen to the murmur of voices from the radio in the adjacent room.  This early in the morning it’s the British cadences of Dan Damon as World Update reports on world events and the daily news. The washing machine gurgles then spins and warmed snaps and buttons rhythmically click in the dryer. My cat sleeps next to me, warming the side of my leg.  Moments ago my sister and niece pulled out of the driveway facing a l-o-n-g drive back to South Carolina from our home in Maine.  They were the last visitors to depart. The house settles around me. It’s the morning after.

This weekend family and friends from all over the East and Midwest arrived to celebrate my youngest daughter’s graduation. Our house hummed with conversation and laughter, vibrating with a joyful noise of reunion. Friday-night pizza and revelry segued into a Saturday barbecue and the “official” celebration. On Sunday we celebrated again—this time with a Father’s Day breakfast for the fathers in our group. The weekend brimmed with siblings, cousins, grandparents, friends, food and more food, balloons, cake, hugs, and laughter, punctuated by the clicks and flashes of cameras capturing these special moments.

Then came the good-byes as visitors departed in small groups, our number gradually dwindling. By yesterday morning only my oldest sister and niece remained. We explored the Maine coast and talked and laughed—sharing memories and making new ones—from Pemaquid lighthouse to Damariscotta to Land’s End in Harpswell. It was a thoroughly delightful day, ending with a seafood dinner at a picturesque Maine harbor. And now they, too, have departed.

I relax into the moment now, on the brink of summer, on the morning after. It’s early still and my family is just beginning to stir. There’s an undeniable easing as the last of the guests have departed and summer vacation beckons, but there is also sadness—a lingering poignancy. When will we gather again?

On this morning after, I already cherish the mornings so recently passed, and I give thanks for family and friends and for the love that motivated them to be here. The joyful noise of our reunion and celebration reverberates  for me, warming me on this cool morning after and surely, for many mornings to come.

On Sunday we celebrated my youngest daughter’s graduation from high school and documented the occasion with scads of photographs. My favorite one is of all of my children. I look at their three faces and wonder where my babies have gone. Sometimes my arms ache for their warm little bodies and the soft weight of their drowsy heads resting on my shoulder. The next moment I’m fascinated (and sometimes frightened) by watching them navigate the world as young adults, making choices independently and choosing their own direction. And then sometimes I see flashes or hints of where they might be heading— a new maturity or a deepening interest. How intriguing it is that I miss who they were, while appreciating who they are, and anticipate who they are becoming.

I wish I were unflappable, but I’m not. I truly admire those people who can just roll with the chaos with a smile on their face but I am so not one of them.  This year the typical end-of-the-year chaos has been heightened by a high-school graduation and impending multitudes of visitors. So, I get overwhelmed and then focus on what’s overwhelming me. I don’t attack items in a strategic manner, I write long, involved and impossible lists. Then I talk about it…ad nauseum. I am boring myself and surely I’m boring others as well. Everyone has tons to do–some manage to do it quietly and efficiently. Clearly, I don’t. I do it with a lot of “woe is me’s.” Pathetic. I’m working on it, but it’s definitely a long-term goal.

At any rate, I woke this morning determined to “reboot.” I tightened up my lesson plans and admonished myself to get over it and get on with it. I deliberately slowed down the pace on my drive in to work and took time to appreciate it. Living in Maine has some challenges, but wow, it is just gorgeous!  I am so, so fortunate, but sometimes I forget to stop and notice the beauty that surrounds me each day. Here are some pictures that highlight my ride into work and back.  The drive in was a fair bit longer but I enjoyed every moment of it–Including two different deer sightings.  Ah, Maine!

Baking is evocative. Certain desserts resonate for me and making them transports me to a different time and place. These sweets are touchstones to the past and to those who no longer are here to bake in the present. Rolling out Christmas cookies across generations ties the years together. I stand behind my grandmother and mother, with my daughters behind me, sharing stolen bites of that rich, molasses-dark, cinnamon-scented dough. There’s comfort in the repetition and ritual.

Baking is traditional. Each season and holiday has its iconic desserts. Sticky buns herald Christmas.    Strawberry rhubarb pie ushers in spring. Freshly baked apple crisp marks the official advent of fall. The latter isn’t simply apples, sugar, cinnamon, oats and flour. It embodies those crisp fall days with a taste of winter chill in the morning– The “Mandatory Family Fun Day” orchard trip with now-recalcitrant teens to pick apples–The crisp snap of a bite into a freshly picked apple–The peels and slices snapped up by our much-loved and missed family dog.  All wrapped together, heated and served with creamy mounds of vanilla ice cream. Transcendent.

Baking is restorative. Magical. The ingredients rest separately, pristine in their containers.  Fluffy, soft flour, crystalline sugar, golden sticks of butter.  Cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice: Those lushly scented spices speak of comfort, warmth, acceptance and love. Separate, awaiting transformation. Rich in potential.

In these crazy end-of-the-year school days, I set my work aside and take comfort in measuring, blending, creaming. Mixing ingredients, I step away from the chaos and move into a slower, gentler pace. Baking soothes me.

It isn’t spring until
ice and cold recede
and suddenly one night
the evening air echoes
with a chorus of spring peepers,
belting out their lusty tune
breathing, ballooning, releasing
serenading, wooing.

It isn’t spring until,
after rosy rhubarb stalks emerge,
strawberry rhubarb pie dances
a bittersweet melody on my tongue,
warm and dripping with melting swirls
of rich, golden French vanilla ice cream
and crumbles of crust.
A tantalizing tango of flavors.

It isn’t spring until
the dark purple, tightly furled buds
of the gnarled lilac bush
lighten and open
and their heady scent
spills out onto the sun-warmed air.

It isn’t spring until
the swift, whirring, buzzing hum
stirs the blossom-scented air,
and the sudden flash of red
marks the return
of the ruby-throated hummingbirds.

It isn’t spring until
the sweet, rich smell
of the freshly mown lawn,
heady on a cool evening,
wafts through cracked windows
perfuming the air,
living and green.

It isn’t spring until
a gentle warm rain falls
and verdant foliage glows
and blossoms bloom
and a small knot of ice,
residue of a long bitter winter,
releases, melts and relaxes

Ah,
Spring.

It isn’t spring until
I venture out,
arms laden,
and set laundry to dance
on the taut nylon line
in the brisk, zephyrous air.
Sheets snap, flap and flutter,
absorb a medley of scent,
releasing it when I sink
into the embrace
of my newly-made bed.
I inhale the essence
of the sun-kissed, breezy day,
content at its end.

On Friday we were gathered on the cafeteria floor, waiting silently for the remaining classes to file in and sit down for our weekly assembly.  Two of my students suddenly began pointing at the floor and exclaiming excitedly.  I walked over to investigate.

“What’s up?” I asked quietly.

“There’s blood on the floor,” B and D said, pointing to a bright red spot between them.

 “Ew!” B said, squirming, “I don’t want to be near it!”

I looked closely at the glob of hardened mysterious substance on the floor. “Oh, I don’t think that’s blood,” I said, reassuringly,  “It’s probably just some food. Just scoot a little bit this way and don’t worry about it.  Assembly’s about to start.”

“It could be ketchup, “ D said. “That’s red and sticks to stuff.”

“It could be,” I said, ushering B to a different spot.

When I turned back to D, to guide him to a new spot, he said, “Don’t worry, Mrs. Hogan.  It isn’t blood or ketchup. It doesn’t taste or smell like anything.”

I froze.  “D,” I said slowly, “Did you taste it?”

I’m sure my facial expression must have been interesting, as he did not answer immediately.  After a moment he hesitatingly said, “No…..” and then picking up speed, he continued, “but I smelled it and when I smelled it, I could taste it and it didn’t taste or smell like anything.”

I stood still, staring at him,  trying to translate exactly what he had just said.  Could that possibly be right? Did he or didn’t he taste it?  I glanced at the blob on the floor.  It seemed intact.  Could he really have just smelled it?   

As I was debating what to do next, the Assistant Principal approached.  He pulled me slightly to the side and whispered , “Molly, did you know that D was just licking the floor?”