The Seven Deadly Sins, Bagel-style

“I just don’t get it,” my husband said, looking completely puzzled. “They’re driving over an hour round trip to get bagels?”

“Well, yeah,” I said, barely refraining from adding, “Duh!”

Kurt shook his head again. He’ll eat the odd bagel and enjoy it, but he really doesn’t understand bagel love. We think he’s missing out. I mean, the man is a bit clueless about carbohydrates. He simply doesn’t get it. It’s sad really.

On this particular morning, Lydia and Sophie, her friend, had headed out on a quick road trip to pick up fresh bagels. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence in our house, as we’re a bit obsessed with bagels. When we’re not eating them, we’re often thinking about them and when and where we might get them next. We have our ear to the rumor mill, listening for tips on great bagel spots. We are not too proud to say that we have a strong emotional attachment to our bagels.

While waiting for the girls to return, I recalled my discussion with Lydia from the day before. It started when I commented to her, “You know, there’s bagel rage, right? “

As we embarked on a lengthy discussion about this, we realized there are actually seven deadly sins of bagels.

First, there’s bagel greed. The wanting of more, moRE, MORE bagels, not to mention the potential for a bit of hoarding.

Then, there’s bagel wrath. As I said, we actually prefer to call this bagel rage. Like when someone takes the last bagel, or they take the toaster right when you were about to use it. It can get a bit dicey at these times! Don’t forget that where there are bagels, there are probably knives. (You thought all those ER bagel visits were from bagel slicing mishaps? Don’t be so sure!) Also, don’t even ask about what happens when we encounter subpar bagels.

Next, there’s bagel envy. You look at the other person’s bagel, and it doesn’t have as big a whole in it, or maybe it simply looks better. Or maybe they got the last everything bagel and only plain ones are left.

Bagel gluttony needs no explanation. Around here, we just call this bagel enjoyment. We don’t stand for bagel shaming in our household!

Bagel sloth can be a problem. It typically occurs after you’ve indulged in too much bagel gluttony. Like maybe you have just eaten the third bagel of the day and you start to feel a little less energetic than ideal. You might even resort to a quick bagel nap. It’s been known to happen.

Bagel pride is when you start showing off how great your bagel looks. Perfectly toasted, chewy perfection. Flaunting can happen and has been known to cause bagel rage.

“Here they are,” Kurt called, interrupting my thoughts.

Finally!

As the girls unloaded the bagels, I was practically drooling. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on one of those luscious bagels. Which clearly brings me to the final deadly sin: Bagel lust. It’s pretty self-explanatory, I suppose. It’s a regular phenomenon around here, but we prefer to refer to it as bagel love. We have no idea why it’s considered a deadly sin.

Some people just don’t get bagels.

15 thoughts on “The Seven Deadly Sins, Bagel-style

  1. vivian chen says:

    This was a fun read and relatable! But for me and my family it could be a myriad of food items. I grew up waiting for an hour plus for dim sum. My husband on the other hand doesn’t think any food is worth that wait. Have you considered writing a bagel guide? 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jackie says:

    There is nothing like a fresh bagel. Do you live on the East Coast? I miss NJ bagels since I live in the Midwest now. Love the humor which captured bagel delight! Spot on!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. margaretsmn says:

    I don’t think the South has gotten the proper education in bagel love, but start a conversation about the perfect king cake…watch out!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. cmhutter says:

    Love this! What a unique viewpoint to take with bagels. I think mine would be about chocolate for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. cvarsalona says:

    Long Island was all about bagel love, big, fat, just right but Virginia is missing the boat. What they call bagels are not the kind we have been used to. We are always looking out for the NY deli-type bagel so I probably have bagel lust for your wonderful treats. What a great slice, Molly so have a good slice of a bagel for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • mbhmaine says:

      We just found amazing bagels at a store in Utica NY on a recent road trip. What an unexpected treat! I hope you stumble across a hidden bagel treasure soon in your new home town.

      Like

  6. Bagels! You have a sister in bageldom here in York. Hannah loves her bagels. Generally everything bagels. A half of one almost every lunch. Toasted. And then she lets it sit so the butter doesn’t melt into the bagel. She waits, then butters the bagel in bits and enjoys each bite with a small chunk of butter. It’s amore!

    Liked by 1 person

    • mbhmaine says:

      Everything bagels are the best! I’m especially a fan of whole wheat everything when I can find them, though that probably doesn’t sit well with bagel purists. Hannah’s technique is how I like to eat corn bread 🙂

      Like

  7. haitiruth says:

    Oh my, this is hilarious! My husband makes great bagels. It’s very time-consuming, but worth it when you eat them. Unfortunately he has had to cut back on his carbs lately and hasn’t made them in a while. So I’m seething with bagel envy here. Ruth, thereisnosuchthingasagodforsakentown.blogspot.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • mbhmaine says:

      I have only made bagels twice and neither time was a disaster, nor was it a great success. Is your husband willing to share his recipe? I’m willing to try again! 🙂

      Like

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