March SOLC–Day 23

I wake suddenly. What is that?

I’m curled in a ball beneath a tangle of sheets. My shoulders are raised and tense, my breathing ragged and my fists clenched. Dim memories of rattling, phlegmy Sleestak* breathing, unspoken threats and shuddering fear flicker through my mind. I’m overheated again and push back the covers. Oh, it’s another nightmare. I tend to have bad dreams when I get overheated, but I can’t resist the welcoming weight of a pile of blankets. At this time in my life when my body’s thermometer is a bit wacky, my dreams often drift into the realm of dark and creepy.

This particular dream is hard to shake, though I can’t remember the particulars–just the dreadful inhuman breathing and the threatening atmosphere. Lying here in the dark, still sleepy, I deliberately push my mind into new channels.  The dream lurks, a dark smudge in my brain, insidiously threatening to spread and pull me back in.  What will I write today?

Suddenly I hear it again. That threatening, rattling breathing.  What is it? Where is it coming from? But I’m still awake… Aren’t I?
The thoughts sprint through my mind as tension clenches me again.
And then I realize. That breathing? That awful, rattling breathing from my dream? It came from my husband snoring beside me. My very own Sleestak.

*Note–I’m dating myself with the Sleestak reference but for some reason that’s the description that lingered in my  mind when I woke this early this morning, though I think they hissed instead of rattled. Why Sleestaks? Who knows!  The mind is a funny thing. It’s been close to 40 years since I watched the show Land of the Lost and many decades since I’ve thought of these creatures.  According to Wikipedia, “Sleestaks are devolved, green humanoids with both reptilian and insectoid features; they have scaly skin with frills around the neck, bulbous unblinking eyes, pincer-like hands, stubby tails, and a single blunt horn on top of the head…” Charming, right? And in case you missed the original show or have forgotten–here’s a photo:

March SOLC–Day 22

I don’t know my cousin well, so I don’t know his wife well either. But I’ve followed the Facebook photos through the years and watched their family grow and I’ve visited with them at rare family events. Over time the two of them became three, then four, then five with three beautiful daughters who are just now beginning to make their way into the world.

In the past few months, since I’ve learned of her illness, I’ve been watching her, my cousin’s wife, through pictures on Facebook. I’ve seen her enjoying various family events. I’ve seen her gradually lose her hair. I’ve seen her smiling on a trip to NYC, surrounded by family, Christmas trees and neon lights. Always smiling broadly, no wig to cover her balding head, cancer’s beacon. I don’t know her, but I’ve seen her strength, her determination and the signs of battle on her body.

Last week her daughter posted a new picture. In it my cousin’s wife sits in a hospital gown in a hospital chair in a hospital room with this daughter sitting on the edge of the chair. My cousin’s wife seems folded in upon herself. Her daughter sits slightly behind her, leaning toward her with her arm about her, sheltering her. The contrast between vibrant youthful health and debilitating illness is striking. Heartbreaking. The broad smile is now tentative and there’s a look in her eyes…Oh, that look in her eyes. I think it was then that I realized. But still I hoped. There was talk of eligibility for an experimental treatment. Hope.

The message arrived yesterday. “Cancer all over her body. In her lungs. Not good at all.” So the cancer has spread.  Her body is “riddled” with it–that suggests something to be puzzled over and solved. In this case there is no solution; her options, apparently, are at an end.

Though I don’t know them well, I ache with sadness. I ache for her, facing the ultimate lonely inevitability of it all. For her, as a mother, unimaginably leaving her girls, and for her girls who will soon be left behind, motherless. I look at the photographs of the past few months–those digital battle flags of determined cheer and sweet moments from daily life. I ache for my cousin, fixedly smiling at her side. I look into the eyes of her vivacious, smiling daughters and I ache for them.  I know some of what awaits them. I know what it’s like to be a motherless daughter.  Some of my pain now echoes from my own lingering grief. I weep for this shattering family, reeling in the face of this impending loss that will reshape the bedrock of their lives.

And I wonder. How do you wrap a lifetime, a world of love into words? How do you comfort the one who is departing and those who will be left behind? How do you say goodbye?

March SOLC–Day 21

The Peace of Early Morning

I treasure my mornings
the sweet hush of pre-dawn
when the birds still sleep
and the sun lingers
below the horizon.
The unfolding day
stretches before me
unlimited in its potential.

I treasure my mornings
the coming of light,
a slow deepening blush
on the horizon,
and the gradual birth of
angular tree shadows
striping the lawn,
and the sweet surprise
of the first bird song,
thrilling in the tranquility,
rippling across the morning air.

I treasure my mornings
and the warm gleam
of my solitary light
in this drowsy house
and the muted click clack
of my fingers
on the keyboard,
as I work and wonder with words,
embraced by the growing light
and the peace of the dawning day.

I treasure my mornings.

Molly Hogan (c) 2016

March SOLC–Day 20

Hiss! Sizzle! Woosh!  Flame leaps off the grill and the nearby diners gasp and applaud. Two of our three children, Connor and Lydia, are heading back to school tomorrow and we wanted to spend the last evening together. We opted for Hibachi–a delicious, sensory explosion.  Flaming grills, juggled eggs, flashing blades, volcanic onions and vegetable missiles equal guaranteed fun.

The downside of hibachi is the noise of the grill and the potentially encroaching volume of the conversations of the assorted groups seated around it.  On the periphery of our group, I tried hard to focus, not wanting to hear the admiring Trump comments on my left (especially with sharp implements close at hand), and unable to fully hear our group’s conversations. With my son’s girlfriend with us, we were a group of 5. That seemed odd to me.  5 is our family number. Countless reservations, tickets, and orders for 5 at countless places over countless years. How can we be 5 when Adeline (my older daughter) isn’t here? She’s been studying in England since January and to me, her absence is palpable. Our group is incomplete: tonight 5 doesn’t equal 5.

“I miss Addie right now,” I said to Lydia, then paused. “Actually I miss her whenever I breathe,” I added, somewhat melodramatically.
“Well, then, don’t breathe,” suggested Lydia, helpfully. We both laughed and a quiet moment passed.
“I’m going to miss you, too,” I said.
“I know,” she said, “I don’t feel like I’ve had much time off.” She rested her head on my shoulder and tucked her arms around me. I leaned into her and kissed her forehead, relishing her affection, her proximity. I looked across the grill at my son, sitting between his girlfriend and his father. I couldn’t hear what was said but I watched him as they chatted, saw the expressions flit across his face. This was his final spring break. He’s graduating in May and won’t be living at home this summer. Possibly not ever again.

Hiss! Sizzle! Woosh!  The flames leapt into the air again, a bit blurry now. I blinked and deliberately shook off the mood, the melancholy. I leaned back into Lydia, into the conversation, determined to enjoy the time I had right now and count each moment as precious.

There will be plenty of time for missing later.

March SOLC– Day 19

My daughter took this photo of our home recently and showed it to me yesterday. I was struck by the  mood of the scene, the timelessness of it. I asked her to send it to me because I knew I wanted to write about it–something, sometime. I woke early this morning, remembering a chance encounter with a man who had a story to tell about our house.

Our house,
two hundred plus years old,
steeped in history,
sits at the top of a hill
in a small town
in Maine.

Once we met a man
who told us a story.
Many years ago,
long before it was ours,
he took a picture
of the house,
and he carried it with him
to fight in steamy jungles
in a gritty, thankless war.
Far across the sea,
he would grip the photo,
tightly,
stare at it,
and think,
“When I get home,
I’m gonna buy that house.”
It became a talisman,
the house.
The man survived
and he returned.
Though he never bought our house,
it carried him through
and it brought him home.

Sometimes when the mist curls
about the foundation,
our house shimmers,
auraed in a timeless light,
suffused with a soft glow
of stories,
of history.

And sometimes
I think of that man,
fighting for his life
in heavy, humid air
and tangles of vegetation,
dreaming of a house
two hundred plus years old
at the top of a hill
in a small town
in Maine.

Molly Hogan (c) 2016

March SOLC–Day 18 and Poetry Friday Roundup

Every night I find my attention drawn away from whatever work I’m attempting to do toward the book waiting in my bedroom. I hear so many people say “Oh, I don’t have any time to read!” and I can’t fathom it. Reading is a deeply entrenched part of my nightly routine. Any time I’ve ever shared a bedroom, I’ve been besieged by whiney complaints. “Turn off the lights!” “Aren’t you done reading yet?” “I can’t sleep with the lights on.” Bravely I’ve soldiered on, through the missiles of discontent and annoyance. I have managed to acquire a number of book lights through the years and am now a bit more considerate about my light needs. But still, every night, I read. It may be for only a few minutes or it may be for hours.

And every night as I’m trying to work, before heading to bed, time seems to move faster. I get a bit anxious–The work is cutting into my potential reading time! I try to focus on grading or planning, but the clock is ticking (It may be digital but I swear it ticks!) and I know there is a finite amount of time. Tick. Tock. The more I work, the less time I have to read. I feel the tug of my book, pulling me away from work and toward the bedroom. It’s an ongoing nightly struggle!

The Nightly Struggle

Every evening
the struggle
commences.
My bag bulges reproachfully
with should-do’s and must-do’s
and Oh-wow-that’s-almost-overdue’s.
I dash off a few e-mails,
fine-tune some lesson plans.
I glance at the clock
then refocus on rewording
an e-mail that must be sent
tonight.
But, wait!
What’s that?
Is that a faint whisper
wafting from my bedroom
where my book lies
nestled
in a tangle of blankets
in my never-made bed?
Perhaps a soft rustling of pages?
I envision my book,
resting where it fell last night,
as my hands lost their grip
and my eyelids their battle
with sleep,
waiting,
dog-eared and patient,
reliable and inviting,
next to my pillow.
I could go to bed now
slide in between the covers
tuck the cat by my side
and the blankets about my neck
and open that book.
Early tomorrow I could
tackle the must-do’s
should-do’s and almost-overdue’s.
I glance at my Inbox.
I glance at the clock.
Tick.
Tock.
I glance at my bulging bag,
my mind already
halfway down the hall,
reaching toward the world
waiting enticingly
inside my book.
I head to bed,
abandoning the battlefield.
Victor or vanquished?
Who cares?
It’s early still and
I can read for hours.

Molly Hogan (c) 2016

For more poetry today, head to the Poetry Friday Roundup hosted by Robyn Hood Black at Life on the Deckle Edge.

March SOLC–Day 17

When did kids start setting traps for leprechauns? This wasn’t a “thing” when I was young and my own kids didn’t do it. When did leprechauns become such a big deal? This year my first-grade class has gone leprechaun-mad!  I should probably have anticipated it, as in February the talk and anticipation had already begun.
“Mrs. Hogan. You know why I love March?”
“No, why?”
“Because the leprechauns come!”

On Monday after reading our weekly poem about a “lively little leprechaun,” conversations burst out all over the carpet.
“I caught a leprechaun once! I found him under a bush.”

“You can use a tissue box to catch leprechauns. It’s easy!”

“We set traps in Kindergarten and the leprechauns left sparkles and gold coins around the room!”

“Are we going to set leprechaun traps, Mrs. Hogan?” The volume dropped to zero as all heads turned in my direction.
“Um…no.”
“Oh.” A sea of crestfallen faces looked up at me. I felt set up. Gee, thanks, K teachers!

One boy piped up, contributing this longer and more mysterious story to a rapt audience, (and thankfully turning their attention from their buzz-kill teacher):

“Last year I set a trap with my brother. We put a box up and under it was a potato because leprechauns love potatoes. And we put a trail of shiny pennies to it. Cause they like gold. And the next morning…the trap was closed! But…” he paused dramatically,
“…we didn’t catch the leprechaun! And…”
another dramatic pause punctuated with a small giggle,
“he changed the potato into a… pear!”
His audience of spell-bound first graders gasped.
Clever parents! I thought.

And then to top it all off, at snack time one of my students approached me.
“Mrs. Hogan, do you want to see my leprechaun dance?”
“Well, of course I do!” I said.

She promptly launched into some sort of hybrid Celtic-Russian seizure dance with her long braids flying, legs kicking this way and that and her arms swirling about her head. After a moment, she stopped, breathless, pink-cheeked, and beaming.

“Wow!” I said, (As Kevin Henkes would say, “Wow. That was just about all she could say. Wow.”)”Where did you learn that?”

“Oh,”she replied, “I just made it up,”

You’ve got to love first grade!  I can’t wait to see what today brings!

March SOLC–Day 16

“Hey, Mom, look what I found,” my son called, entering the kitchen.  In his hand was a small green hard cover book. “It’s that book Addie wrote about Mrs. _______. I’d forgotten  all about it. You should check it out. It’s pretty funny.”

My son, Connor, is graduating from college in May and has been cleaning his room out. (I’m not ready to tackle that slice yet!) During this daunting task he has stumbled across a variety of treasures. This time it was the book that his younger sister had written and dedicated to him. This book was inspired by Connor’s deep dislike of one of his middle-school teachers. (She really wasn’t very pleasant.) He must have regaled Adeline with complaints and stories and she was clearly inspired. She titled her book Mrs. McNasty and published it with an Illustory kit that someone had given her. Here are a few highlights:

 
She made her claim and started supporting it with evidence.

She’d clearly mastered speech bubbles! And how about this ending?

And then the finale:

I have read this multiple times since Connor found it and it never fails to make me laugh. I love the illustrations and the speech bubbles and the ending cracks me up. In terms of writing, she’s got some good stuff going on. On the other hand, part of me is horrified that she wrote this about a teacher. I’m still not sure how in the world we agreed to send it off for publication.

March SOLC–Day 15

In my classroom Monday’s Morning Meeting greeting is always a Weekend Share.  Yesterday, as usual,  students chose the one thing they did over the weekend that they wanted to share with the class.
“I rode my bike down Plummer Mill Road.”
“I saw Zootopia and it was great!”
“We went out to get an ice cream cone.”
“My hens started laying eggs again.”
“Wow!  Did you notice how many of these things are early signs of spring?” I asked afterward.
“Yeah,” the kids agreed, nodding.
One chimed in, “It’s getting warmer, too!  That’s another sign!”
“And the leaves are starting to come out on the trees!” piped up another.
“Maybe I should put up a piece of chart paper and we can jot down any signs of spring we see, ” I said. ” What do you think?”
“Yay!” The kids agreed with enthusiasm. (They’re always excited to write on a chart.)

So, our chart is up and we’ve been sharing and jotting down some early signs of spring. As the class excitement has grown, I’ve realized this is a simple way to encourage my students to see their world and to notice the changes in it. We can then use these “noticings” when we launch into poetry next week. I think our first class poem might highlight these first signs of spring. Stay tuned!

March SOLC–Day 14

Years ago I came up with the term “Productive Procrastination.”  This is the term I use when I have a million things I really should do, but opt to do other things instead. Now, the critical difference from simple procrastination is that the things I choose to do instead must be productive;however, sadly, they still don’t eliminate anything from my To-Do list.  For example, if I have a stack of math assessments to grade, I might clean the bathroom instead. Or maybe bake cookies. Or weed in the garden. The math assessments are still looming when I finish, but I still got something productive done. It’s a bit twisted I suppose and it usually ends up ultimately adding to my stress level, but it’s what I do. On the plus side, there’s always the perk of a clean bathroom, a weeded garden, or cookies to eat. Yesterday, I was a master at Productive Procrastination.

Yesterday I should have: finished report card comments, finished entering grades, written a thank you note, organized tax papers to send to my accountant, and written lesson plans.

Here’s what I did instead:

 Hmmm….everyone’s home for spring break. I bet they’d enjoy a nice breakfast. It’s still early.
So I…

Whipped up some blueberry pancakes and bacon for breakfast

It’s going to be a crazy week. I should make sure I have something yummy for lunch. I’ll start working on comments after this.
So I…

Made a batch of spicy peanut noodles

Oh!  Look at this recipe. I forgot all about this salad. I could start grading science notebooks but if I make this now, I’d have two choices for lunch this week.
So I…

Threw together a wild rice edamame salad

Let’s see. If I throw potatoes in now to bake, I could make Twice-Bakeds for dinner. We haven’t had those in a long time!  I still have time to get some work done later.
So I…

Cooked up some Twice-Baked Potatoes

Wow!  Look at all this food. But there’s nothing sweet. Hmmmm….it’ll only take me a few minutes to make some granola bars. I could even bring some to work and everyone would be so happy!
So I…

Mixed up a batch of my all-time favorite granola bars

And then…

Wow!  It’s gorgeous outside. It would be a shame if I didn’t get outside today.  It’s supposed to rain later this week and I’m sure I’ll have renewed energy to tackle grades when I get back.
So I …

went for a quick run.

Did you notice the brilliant rationalization along the way? Can you tell how much I didn’t want to face report cards and taxes?  So, tonight I’m doomed!  But my lunches will be great this week!  That’s classic Productive Procrastination.